Through Torn Feelings
by heyhail
Summary: Elena left Damon, and he can't breathe anymore. if he doesn't tell SOMEONE, anyone their story he might combust. if he gets it down, someone might read it,  someone might tel her, she might feel him, love him again, she might come back. He needs her.
1. Prologue

I hate when memories flood back and just completely drown your mind, engulfing it in salt water that it just can't tread out of no matter how hard it tries or what it was previously engrossed in doing. It's sometimes worse when you consider what brings you back to a particular moment in time, whether a passage in a book, a line in a song or a scene in a movie. It just completely takes you away from the reality you were just experiencing into an utterly different one. A fuzzy, foggy, hazy memory you wish you weren't reliving, considering its focal point or its outcome. No one wants to remember a broken heart. That's not something anyone in the entire world can disagree with. It's extremely painful, unpleasant, and unnecessary.

I don't want to remember Elena with the happiness that I was surrounded with when I was with her completely blocking out the end of everything that became all of my existence for such a short period of time until my mind snaps back into reality and my heart back in two. I don't need to remember how I felt about her that one fateful night that turned everything upside down in a lightly drunken state or the intense butterflies or racing heart every time she looked at me or touched me. I can't have the highlight reel playing all day almost everyday. I don't need the reminder that I can't move on and she just discarded me like a bad hand in poker.

I need to stop remembering the smell of her room or the taste of her mouth, chocolate and peppermint. My memory is not happily jogged of when she would smirk when she looked in my direction or the way she was so ecstatic I knew the bands she enjoyed, or loved songs with piano just as much as she did. I don't want to hear her favorite music and instantly have the feeling of needing her. I can't go somewhere or do something without wishing she was there or thinking of her reaction when I shared too much. I remember her with so much love. She doesn't deserve it, or care for that matter. She doesn't remember, why should I?

There's so much of my life that's connected to her. I'm not sure how much more of this insanity I can take.

This is my story, OUR story. If I don't get it all down, I fear I might just burst. Relive

_A/N: this is my first story EVER, so please, be honest. it's short right now, i know, but i promise that it'll get longer as i go on. please review, i can't wait to hear what you have to say!_


	2. Savior

I read in one of her books I found in wedged between a few of mine last week,it said "you save yourself or you remain unsaved." But here's my thought. What if you're so far gone you can't save yourself and still no one offers you a hand? What do you do then? How do you survive?

Answer: **you don't.**

Some aren't meant to be saved. And some are neglected. Not everyone can save themselves. Not everyone could remain unsaved. There is such a thing as giving a person a hand. Yet what if the person who hold the key to save someone is oblivious and doesn't save said person? And that person is required to save themselves is unable.

Some wounds don't heal over time. Some depression isn't easily treaded out of. A person can drown in their own thoughts and memories with only the ability to be snapped into reality to speak, to be human again. Saving yourself is easier said then actually done. Especially if your key belongs to someone else. Then it's impossible.

You can't save yourself on basic needs. It's improbable. Basic needs are meant to get by on. You can't save yourself, somethings can't be saved. A dead end. A car wreck. A half eaten cheeseburger.

A broken heart. You can't save yourself from a broken heart. That's inflicted on you by someone else. You can't be saved from someone else's infliction. They are your only life preserver, magic ring, and golden shield.

Your second choice is someone whose willing to have a fixer-upper. Willing to play as putty. A temporary fix. For a few days until you think it's unfair to that person. That you're so broken by your key holder you couldn't possibly stay because you'll never be in love with them like you were with the other one then you're stuck.

You maneuver through others but it's always the same. Some make it longer then others. You fall harder, they lie better, they don't irritate you until weeks later or you wait. You hold out for them to come around until they don't and there's nothing you can do. Some are permanently remain unsaved. I am to permanently remain unsaved. For always.

I am being stripped like an old wood table. My form isn't good enough anymore. It feels like someone is trying to beat me down and change me. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm falling apart...again. It's like I can only be repaired for a split second, when a distraction is placed in front of me. I'm no longer fun to be around. I'm miserable. I can't focus on anything. I zone in on her just in a few seconds of silence. Then I start to think.

I start to think that I'm condemned to a life of solitude and I don't know how I feel about it. I think I'm too strong for some to handle. People get scared, they don't last too long. Some make up excuses, rumors, reasons that give them an out. Ones I know aren't true. But I didn't fight them for two reasons.

**One:** I knew they weren't going to last much longer, I would've done something. I would've left.

**Two:** they never really meant that much. They didn't fill an emptiness I thought Katherine had left, because it wasn't there.

Others, I got rid of, I pushed them away, didn't really want them in the first place, they just smelled good; knowledge of the fact that I didn't need them. Every single one of them demolished in seven or eight days, their blood got boring, THEY got boring. All but one.

_Elena._

She gave me something everyone else didn't. She made me want to hold on. She made it seem like there was a void that needed to be filled and she fit the mold, one that didn't even exist until I knew she did. She came in a new way, carefully. Allowing me to work, like dipping your toes into water to test it out. She was the perfect temperature.

She even left in a new way.

She ran.

She didn't need my black boot to kick her out. She didn't make up a reason to leave, she just left, not saying a word. No lies, just silence, leaving me begging to know why. Maybe I wanted a lie, maybe I wanted her to make up a reason for me to live off of, to leave me content.

She didn't.

She left me here hungry, starving to talk to her. Making up stories in my head of happy endings until I opened my eyes, until I saw she doesn't care. She probably never did. She needed another man, one who didn't have a magically appearing mold in need of her. One that was still normal after she left. One that isn't oddly obsessed with her, maybe I am obsessed with closure or maybe the reason why she was so different.

It's confusing. Imagine living like this. Stewing in hate. Hate for yourself, for someone who doesn't care, someone who doesn't want to understand what's happening.

Elena left me in a whole that's deeper than the one Katherine had left me in years back. one that won't eventually be filled in. One that will allow me to further investigate the situation, my thoughts, not that I really need to. Everything else will dissipate. It won't just be a memory soon. Buried by something else. I know I don't need someone to complete me, that's a given, I've been incomplete for over one-hundred seventy years. I'm fucked up enough to know that. But maybe,just maybe, I need someone to numb me, make me forget her mold. An eraser, not a completion, just a fix. Someone to help.

There's someone out there who fits her mold, or maybe she's meant to come back and refill it.

**Maybe** I'm just set to live a life of depression. But we're not put here to be a huge pile of depression and bad feelings or to stew and not have the ability to leave a broken heart alone. I shouldn't dwell. It's a dark, dark, dark place of jealousy. I've become falsely happy for people. I can't focus on stories they're telling me. I have to fight the urge to jump up and scream,"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

My existence is draining fast. I'm not sure if I can handle the downward spiral for much longer.

_A/N: this chapter I PROMISE you is the last full on internal monologue. I apologize if it felt whiny and not connected in some parts. But, I am a female trying to write from a male's perspective, and that's how it came out. Also, keep in mind these are some of my personal journal passages melted together :]. There will be dialogue and other goodies in the next chapter, I swear. This one just took me a while to crank out, I do already have some passages for the next few chapters done! I'm really excited for this story, and I hope you guys stay that way with me! Just bear with me through this chapter, please. I promise it's going to be worth it. Don't leave me just yet!_


	3. Tumblr

I can hear them "whispering" about me. All day. Every second. They aren't very successful at sneaking around with their conversations.

"Superhuman hearing guys!" I barely yelled at the four of them clattering in the living room, three rooms over. Knowing they could hear me. I started to whisper "If you can hear this, don't you think I could hear four hardly whispers about how I'm a grown man who barely moves around anymore? Get out of my house, I don't need a check up today." with that, I clicked the study door locked, listened for the grumbling and shuffling of feet. Taking in a deep breath, counting to ten and...

"Four, three, two..." and waited for the fourth car door, which never came. Signing, I opened the door, whirling around.

"I can smell you. Katherine."

"Well, there's no fooling you, is there? Shouldn't you be decaying since you haven't _really_ drank in ages, or is Caroline being worried Barbie? I never understood why she helps you out. I mean you fed off of her for a long time."

"At least I didn't kill her."

"Ah, ah, ah. It wasn't my blood that did the dirty deed, dearie."

"Why are you still here? Won't little Steffie be worried?"

"He's too busy freaking out every second about you to notice. I could have twelve heads and he'd consider it like they were always there."

"Twelve heads for twelve personalities."

She snorted, not very attractive on her.

"There's the Damon we all know. Bring him around more, I miss him dearly." She cooed at me, running her finger down my spine. I shivered at her touch, she snapped her hand back to her side. "Sorry." she mumbled.

"Since when did _you,_ of all people, become such a softie?" I threw at her.

"Since YOU, of all people, has been bringing me down" She exclaimed, mocking my tone.

"It doesn't suit you." I said told her, turning my back on her very obvious eye roll. "Stefan's tenderizing you. It doesn't seem to fit, Kat."

"I'm in love with him. He can pulverize my vindictive-ness all he wants if that what..." pausing with an uneasy look on her face, "keeps him around." She finished that one with a bang.

"As much as I appreciate this wonderful sock to the stomach you so thoughtfully brought with you, I think it's best you leave."

"Fine, Damon. I just want to warn you, all of this," She said motioning the room in it's entirety. "is going to continue. Caroline, Stefan, Lexi and myself. We aren't going to stop. Well, I would, you know, but then Stefan glares at me. Talk about not fitting." She took a look at me, sucked in a solid breath and finished with a look I have never seen on her face. "Cut the drama. Get back to you! Do whatever you have to. But, STOP pining and stewing. Get her shit out of this house. I can smell her here. I can only imagine what it's doing to you. Write it all down, send it out somewhere. Get everything OUT. Ditch the blood bags, are you even drinking those? Feed for _real._ Be Damon again."

Stunned. Stunned is the only word I had at that moment in time. My mouth must have been gaping at her.

"Odd? Yeah. It was for me too. Don't tell anyone, but, listen to what I said." with that she vanished.

_Keep a leash on your girl Steffie. _I thought to myself. As if right on cue, my phone started to jitter in my pocket.

**Stefan.**

"WHAT?"

"Is she with you?"

"Ahh, so you did notice her twelve heads."

"Her what?"

I chuckled. "Don't worry your little halo over it. She just left."

"Oh, okay. I can't believe I didn't realize she wasn't in the-wait."

"Oh, God."

"Did you just chuckle?"

"Do NOT do that."

"You did! What hap-" ***click*** _Goodbye, Stefan. _

Life would be so much quieter without these damn things.

I started to think about Katherine's strange advice. One thing stuck out like a neon sign '_write it down. Send it out somewhere.' _it felt like all I wanted to do was let all of this consume me even for a second. Just to put it out somewhere. But where? Did Mystic Falls even have a paper? No, why would I want to send it out here? _She's NOT here._ She wouldn't be able to read it. She NEEDED to be able to see it, feel what she did to me. _No,_ what she's doing to me. I don't know where she is. How could I do this if I don't know where it's going?

I could only think of one person to help.

_-I need a favor._

_-NO._

_-I'm reaching here, come on._

_-No_

_-Seriously, I haven't even said anything yet. _

_-I'll upgrade. Depends._

_-Alright, I need to know where she is._

_-NO!_

_-Fine, fine. Not exactly where she is but locations near her?_

_-NO_

_-Do you know any other words?_

_-Not at this precise time, no._

_-Fine, Jeremy. Thanks So much._

_-What are you trying to accomplish Damon? It's been five months._

_-I am so aware of the amount of time it isn't even funny._

_-You can't get to her._

_-I know_

_-I know you want to. Trust me, I do. If it were anything else man._

_-I just wanted to write, kid. No harm intended_

_write? Like a letter to her?_

_-No. someone gave me this twisted idea to make our story public._

_-I can't help you with that._

_-I've already assessed that. _

_-Blog. Find a blog. _

_-I don't do blogging._

_-Dude. Are you desperate?_

_-No._

_-Damon..._

_-Shut it. _

_-Do you want her to come home. ...to you._

_-I think you know the answer to that, Jeremy. _

_-Fire up that computer in the study you lock yourself in daily._

_-I don't blog._

_-Well, man. Try. _

_-Erugh. That doesn't sit right with me_

_-Desperation is an ugly thing my friend. _

_-And on that note. Goodbye Jeremy._

Blog? Who blogs? Damon Salvatore does not blog. I don't even know how to blog, let alone find one.

**beep beep beep **_Google it._

Scary, Gilbert, scary.

She won't see it though. How could she?

**Beep beep beep** _...and if you pay Google enough money, they'll make a permanent ad on the site. So, you'll always see it. Someone WILL see it. _

I swear that witch he sees is giving him the ability to read minds

I turned to sit at the desk, spinning around in the chair to stare out of the window for a minute. Clearing my thoughts. The silence here is serene. I threw my feet up on the windowsill.

About an hour later when _The Grapes of Wrath_ wasn't keeping my attention, I spun back around to stare at the black screen on my computer.

A few clicks and a couple grumbles later, I was there. Gawking at a blank 'post' page of the first site that came up. It sounded easy and, it seemed to fit, being that the name was Tumblr. I suppose if glass tumblers can hold my bourbon, I'd assume an electronic one can hold my thoughts and pleas.

God, I'm starting to sound like a teenage girl.

But, as Jeremy so nicely pointed out earlier, desperation is an ugly thing. Still, _blogging_ doesn't sound very Damon-esque. You don't know until you try.

With that and ten thousand dollars to Google for a seven month permanent ad, I was off.

...with no idea where to start.

A good thirty minutes and four glasses I practically licked clean of bourbon later, words just poured from my finger tips.

_**Memory relates to everything, yet it could be something you wish you never had. It plays tricks, forgets things you wish you didn't and remembers things you'd pay to forget. I guess not everything is perfect. **_

_**What if, though, all of a sudden you could remember every single second of your life? And not just the major events everyone remembers- the little things too. Like that you and your first best friend bonded over hating the smell of something or the first time you saw the girl you liked when you were thirteen, she was walking down the street, palming a soccer ball in one hand and a phone in the other. But with every blessing comes a curse. With your spanking new flawless memory you'd also have to remember every fight you and your girlfriend had. You'd relive each time your girl sat next to someone else at the grill with 20/20 memory. The past could suddenly look a whole lot uglier. Someone who looks like an ally now? Look again- could be they weren't as nice as you remember. A friend you remember always having your back? Oh no, on closer inspection, he's the one stealing the girl you've had your eye on. Memory's a fickle thing. Sometimes we're doomed to repeat the things we've forgotten.**_

_**I've been trying to remove memories of time when I thought you were happy. Those stupid memories. Wrenching memories. **_

How weird, nothing about her. But then again, no story just starts out right off the bat.

_-you have an ad on Google? -Stefan_

_-i saw you on Google.-Caroline_

_-how much did you pay for that thing? Every time I refresh the page, you're STILL there.- Lexi_

_-finally. Someone listens to me. -Katherine_

_-it worked. -Jeremy._

Do these people spend every second of their live on Google? My God.

-_a few days later...-_

With a loud bang, a solid barge and some nicely timed stomps "**What are you doing?"**

"Well, hello to you to Stef."

"Seriously Damon. What are you doing?"

Standing up from the couch and meandering to the cart to pour yet another glass I retorted "What have I _been_ doing for the past five months? Hm? What are YOU doing? Didn't I tell you and your little clan to quit checking up on me?"

"Shut up, Damon. We're going to be here until you're back to normal." He groaned tight lipped and rolling eyes.

"Har dee har har. Normal? With us? That's a humorous joke Steffie." I smirked at him.

"Don't call me that, _please_. You're getting off topic." He churned at me, flopping on the couch.

"We were never _on_ topic, St-ef-an." I said putting extra emphasis on his full name.

Grunting, he started again. "What is with this god forsaken Google ad blog?"

"Ask your Kat."

"She put you up to this?" He was stunned. I've never seen his eyebrows raise to high.

"SHE didn't put me up to anything. She just planted an idea in my head." I groaned back at. He was still wearing his stunned face.

"Wh-wh." clearing his throat. "Why?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, brother." I said back to him, draining my glass. I padded to the kitchen, leaving a very confused looking Stefan still sitting on the couch.

I was getting out eggs and a blood bag when I heard the couch springs whine under his weight and his boots click in my direction.

"Listen, I know..." He started in with a deep breath.

"You know what?" taking the pause as a 'go ahead'

"I know what it's like to love her." He finally pushed out.

"No. No Stefan, you don't. You had a very short romance. You. Left HER. For Katherine." There was no disguising the disgust on my tongue.

"I know what happened then. I'm also saying I KNOW. I know what it's like." He tried again.

"NO. You _don't_. I know you don't. You've never been left. I have. _Twice. _The first time was bad, yes. But, I didn't realize I never loved Katherine until I love Elena. I understand the meaning of 'there was fireworks' now. She brought me back then. She. Left. How do you know how that feels? Hm? You don't. You're always the chosen one. Always. They flock to you. Away from me."

"I... I, um. I don't know how to respond."

"By leaving."

"I don't want to." He said very sternly.

"I want you to." I threw in his face.

"She left Damon. And now you're forcing everyone else to leave."

"She didn't _leave_, Stefan. She never goes away. She's under my skin."

He took away my spatula, sick of it being waved in his face, and slid my eggs on a plate. He trotted to the cupboard and grabbed a fresh glass, pouring the contents of the blood bag into it. He then looked at me, brooding. I glared back.

A heavy sigh and a turn on his heels to head for the door was all he had in him.

Until he said over his shoulder.

"I guess you better fall for someone else."

_A/N: hey guys! I'm sorry it took so long to update. I've been a little distracted lately. But this is going to get my full attention now. I'm hoping the set up won't be too difficult to follow. I don't think it is really._

_I did want to clear some things up though... Damon never killed Lexi, she's live and well. There aren't going to be problems with the originals in my story, that's too much for me. Jena and Matt know about all the supernatural things going about. And they are all out of high school now. Just to clarify a few things. Oh and the "-" conversations are just texts! In case we had problems there. Haha._

_Thanks for sticking with me. I love you all. I'll see you in the next chapter :]_


	4. Phone Calls

_**If you were alone for five days -sometimes more- per week, stuck in a funk, doing nothing, you'd be stewing too. It smothers your memories, or thoughts leaving you breathless, thinking **__huh?_ _**All of it comes out of nowhere and hits you like an eighteen wheeler. I'm determined to forget. Nothing works. She's everywhere. Radio, T.V., books relating to my life that put it in perspective for twenty seconds until she disperses the cloud of clarity. Again. Then sends a dark fog creeping back over my mind. It's like someone's snapping the blinds on me trying to catch free television. Like the clear normal thoughts aren't really mine, they're borrowed from someone happier, healthier, showing me what life is like outside of Elena's dark fog that suffocates this house. I'm dying to speak to her. I have vivid dreams about her. They are the 'nevergonnahappen' stories. I wonder what a panic or anxiety attack feels like. It's like i'm living in one giant never ending break up scene. I imagine her randomly everywhere, every car I want to be hers, every girl with chestnut hair I long to be hers. I took my time with her for granted. All of the little things.**_

_**I'm not a philosophical person by any means. I'm never like this, but I'm so sick of seeing this bullshit everyone calls love being portrayed as a dependency. Which in truth it is. I'm dependent on someone. I don't love her, not anymore. I don't believe in love. Love doesn't exist. It's just a name for all the pain and usage of a person. There are no feelings that actually go along with love that don't hurt. It's just a word used to sum up all of it's parts.**_

I shoved the computer back against the desk, away from my face. _These posts are getting to sappy. _I started thinking to myself. _But whatever gets the job done._

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's been a few weeks of this, what did I expect to get out of it? Did I expect her to read it all and feel what I was feeling and come running back instantly? _Yes._ That's exactly what I wanted. Why wasn't it happening? I wanted to become an open mind, a public mind, a live love story, and a clear broken heart. It was exactly what I had become. Isn't it?

I could hear them. Actually knocking this time. How incredibly strange. If I sat here long enough, they would either let themselves in or leave. I was hoping for the latter.

"Damon?" No such luck, should've known. "DAMON?"

"What do you want, Barbie?" I could hear her pout.

"I want to talk to you." fake sugar coated her throat. "_Please?_"

"No, thank you." I smirked at the closed door. Again, I should have known because with in five seconds she had kicked the door down. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME CAROLINE?"

"Well, at least you won't be able to lock yourself in here anymore." She told me sniffing around. "Although, I can see why you do. What is it? Like the only room in the house that smells like her still, or do you have one of her shirts stuffed inside your pillowcase" I rolled my eyes. "OH MY GOD. You do!"

"Actually, I don't. Thank you _so_ much for thinking I am THAT pathetic."

"Well, you do have a blog dedicated to her and your broken feelings so, it wasn't really a long shot." She said pointedly.

"What did you come here for? Please get to the point, I don't want company today."

"You haven't for months, Damon. You've made that quite obvious."

"Then why do you insist on coming back every few days?" I asked her looking up through my eyebrows.

"To make sure you haven't killed yourself yet. Speaking of which, when is the last time you fed?"

"I had a delicious type o neg blood bag earlier... why?"

"We're going out. You are going to feed." Her curls bounced around and her eyes lit up telling me this.

"Ha. I'm fine." Sitting back in my chair and swiveling around to face the window. I could see Stefan leaning on his car, on the phone. Who could he possibly be talking to? Everyone he calls is in my house right now.

"Damon. Damon. DAMON!" Blondie called at me, interrupting what was starting to sprout in my mind.

"Goddamn it, Caroline. What?" I felt like ripping my ears off.

"Get in the shower, get dressed. I wasn't kidding when I said we're going out. Even if I have to tie you to one of the boys." She was instantly serious. I really didn't want to leave the house. It felt like a very bad idea. I'm not sure why, but it was nagging at me. "Come on. Hurry up."

"Can you please tell me _why_ I am actually going through with this?" She actually giggled at that.

"Because you know I'm serious when I tell you I'll tie you to someone." She exclaimed, very sure of herself.

I grumbled getting up and out of the library, I'm not actually sure when the last time I left it was. Thinking about it. I was hungry, and a little thirsty. Yet, I still couldn't get the bad feeling out of my stomach. There was something wrong with this night. It didn't feel good.

I showered faster than I thought I would. I dressed in actual clothes, other than the sweats I've been wearing and trudged downstairs. I quickly glanced around the room, noticing why I didn't feel right about this evening immediately. It was a couples night. Honestly. Katherine and Stefan sat squashed together in the arm chair by the fireplace, Alaric, Jena, Bonnie and Jeremy were on my couch, Matt and Lexi were sitting on my love seat and Caroline and Tyler were poking around in my kitchen. Quickly and swiftly I turned on my heels to head back upstairs.

"Ah, no. I don't think so." a venomous voice slid in my ears. "I was dragged into doing this. I am not wasting an hour and a half getting ready so you can bail. Absolutely not." I spun around fast, seeing Katherine standing in the middle of the living room. With that Caroline popped her head out of the doorway to the kitchen.

"He was going to bail?" she asked in disbelief. They all nodded. She stepped fully out of the kitchen with her arms crossed. "I told you I was going to tie you to someone." She surveyed the room. "Alaric..."

"No." He shook his head. "No, no, no, no, no, and no."

"Shucks, I thought we were friends buddy. Why don't you like me enough to be tied to?" I said batting my eyelashes at him.

"i don't want to be tied to anyone. Ever." Jena's jaw dropped and she slapped him across the arm "...except Jena." he looked at her. "You didn't let me finish."

"Mmm, sure." she said rolling her eyes, and placing them back on me.

"I'll keep my eye on him, but I'm not going to let you actually tie him to someone." Stefan said from his chair. He wasn't looking at any of us but rather staring at the ceiling.

"Oh, come on! That's half the fun!" Caroline whined to him, Stefan just shook his head, biting his lip. Katherine laughed, I could tell she was trying to picture having me tied up to someone. She smirked. and laughed to herself. Caroline and I looked at her like she was crazy.

"What?" She started to question us, looking like she was coming down from her own little world.

"Imagining something fun, huh?" Stefan asked her finally coming down from the apparently fascinating ceiling. I'm starting to think that I'm surrounding myself with people who belong on the psych ward.

"Uhm, can we go now, I'm getting really hungry. The more we sit here, the more i start thinking about a cheeseburger, and the more i think about it the more i want to punch all of you for making me wait." Matt finally spoke up, Lexi looking at him slack jawed. "What? I'm serious."

"You couldn't have said it _nicer?_"

"Right now, babe, that is as nice as it's gonna get." Matt shot back, covering his eyes with his hands. Lexi threw her legs off of him, and popped up.

"Let's go then." She said slamming her hands down on her thighs and rolling her eyes.

"Have fun, guys. I'll see you when you stop by later!" I stated as I turned on my heels. As my foot grazed the first step, I felt a hand on my forearm.

"I may not let Caroline tie you to someone, but I'm also not letting you bail on this either. I realize that this seems like you'll be the eleventh wheel. But we've talked about not making you feel weird, I promise you. Caroline reserved two different tables. One for the girls and one for the guys. Just so you would come and be happy." I cocked my head and glared at him. "…ish" He finished with a smile.

"Let's go! I want to drive Damon's gorgeous car." Katherine said, I swear her eyes rolled in the back of her head.

"You are NOT driving my car! You can ride shotgun." I winked at her.

"Tease." I swear she stomped her foot then stormed out of the house. Stefan rolled his eyes and smirked.

Putting his hand on my shoulder he said "Come on, all football talk, I promise." Rolling my eyes, I headed towards the door with him.

__few hours later-_

I have been sitting at the grill watching food disappear and drinks drain. I think I've possibly said about five whole sentences. Other than those, I've pretty much been a fly on the wall. Watching the girls flip their hair, giggle and rate the guys playing pool across the room. Observing the guys roar with laugher, dissect each play of last nights football game, and talk about how many shots they can do before they hit the floor. I'll admit, it's kind of beating sitting at home staring out of the window doing nothing other than possibly updating my writing for the third time today. Things got quiet when Stefan's phone started to ring, and he went instantly pale. I mean, yes, he already looks like a ghost, but now he just looked transparent. I started thinking about who possibly could be calling him, because now _everyone_ he speaks to is literally five feet from him. He quickly glanced around the booth, Tyler gave him a knowing look and Alaric just nodded to him. I first thought that they were giving him permission to answer the phone even though we kind of decided that we wouldn't tonight, not that anyone was worth calling. I was thinking that until he slid out of the booth and out the front door. I looked around the booth and the guys started their conversation back up. I was torn between sitting around and listening to them, or really listening to Stefan outside. Now, I was worried about myself. Why wouldn't I listen to Stefan outside when he was acting so squirrelly? The juicy details weren't going to be for a few minutes and there was a possibility that I won't even want to know what's going on in his life. After my internal debate, which I really have to admit was strange for me, I started to listen in.

"You're not _alone_, HE is." What was going on? Who was he talking about? Was it me? I'm the only one who doesn't have anyone here, it had to be me. He was too far away from me for me to hear the voice on the other end, so I had to wait for him to say a name. I quickly checked to make sure the people around me weren't waiting on me for some words into the conversation, they were oblivious to me.

"Creature with a black soul? Really? I can't believe you're saying that." It sounded like he was yelling at this person. Although I made a mental note of the 'creature with a black soul' line. That was a good line. "You're like Jekyll and Hyde." I chuckled to myself.

"I know you've already made up your mind to leave it all behind, obviously since you're gone, but come on. I'm starting to think you're the one with a black soul…" His rant was cut of by Alaric shoving me.

"What?" I grumbled to him.

"It looked like you were zoning out. I not allowed to let you drown in your brain right now. Strict orders." He said pointing at the girls with one hand and the front door with the other. Tyler nodded and Jeremy was starting to look uncomfortable.

"What's wrong with you Gilbert?" His head perked up at the sound of his name. He just shook his head.

"N-n-nothing. I swear." He started to shake his shoulders as if he was trying to get something off of him. Weird. I sat back into my chair and started to listen to Stefan's phone call again.

"If something I said hurt you, it honestly wasn't my intention, _Elena._" Elena? I shot up and out of my chair in a nanosecond. I was out the door before the others realized i was missing. I cringed not being able to find where he was standing, did he really go that far away? It didn't sound like it. I spotted him across the parking lot leaning on the hood of my car at the same time he spotted me, with that I heard.

_"I have to go right now. Yeah, Bye." _He started to cross the street like nothing was happening. I sped up to meet him and shoved him hard at the shoulders.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Stefan? I thought the only one who was speaking to her was Jeremy. You've been **lying** this entire time. '_No, Damon I swear I don't know where she is' 'No, Damon, I don't know why she changed her phone number.' 'No, Damon, I don't know her new number.' _you seriously have got to be kidding me right now. I cannot believe you."

"I didn't lie to you Damon. I swear." He looked at me with pleading eyes, scooping grass and mud out of his ear. He could tell I didn't believe him. "I swear on Katherine, and Father, I did. Not. Lie."

"I can't believe you after all of this. How could you possibly be telling the truth?" Letting go of his wrists but still sitting on his chest. "You were just talking to her. I bet it was her you were talking to this morning." He looked at me with shock on his face. "Stefan, you park your car out front, which the only window in the only room I sit in faces, I can see you know."

"I know that Damon. But hear me out, Please." I glared at him, but I curled my finger as if to say 'go ahead'. "I don't know her new number, she's never given it to me. She calls me from either random people's numbers, whoever she's made friends with, restaurant phones, pay phones, or she uses her computer to dial me. Jeremy is the only one who knows everything there is to know about where she is and all of her details." I'm beginning to think my face has turned into an open book, because as he was saying this I was thinking about going against my promise to Elena and compel Jeremy to let me know where she was, As I was thinking this he said "He eats vervain. There's no bracelet. He even put some in his drink today. If you were paying attention you would've seen him do it. He was staring at you while he was pouring it in." I sighed in defeat.

"She's so set on losing everything there is to know about me, _everything_. I can't even figure out what I did wrong." I got off of him, brushing off my jeans. "Sorry." I grumbled back at him.

"It's okay. I wish there was something I could tell you, but there's not. She doesn't tell me, she just asks a few questions about Caroline and Bonnie. Gossip ones mostly. Only because Jeremy doesn't give a shit about that. She sometimes asks how Katherine is. I think she's warming up to that idea. You never come up. I know you, it kills me. I hurt her the most. I left her when I promised i would never. I can't think of anything you did when the two of you were together that would make her runaway. It's baffling me. She called Katherine yesterday."

"Stop talking, please Stefan. I don't want to hear anymore." I practically stomped back to the grill and stormed back to the tables. Every single one of their heads snapped up.

"So, which one of you is she also contacting? Everyone? Or just Stefan?" I asked my audience. All of them looked baffled.

"You told him?" Katherine asked over my shoulder. I could smell the mud on Stefan's jeans.

"I didn't tell him. He was listening because you guys weren't keeping him occupied. HELLO! Simplest task ever." He was almost yelling at her.

Caroline huffed and looked at Bonnie. "She's been calling all of us." She swallowed a giant gulp of water. "But, the only one who has her number or anything along those lines is Jeremy. I promise."

"I told you." Stefan mumbled to me. I turned around to glare at him.

"I asked you to stop speaking." I stated pointedly to him. He started to stare at his feet. I turned to look back at the group of people who were supposedly supposed to help me out, be on my side. Hell, they were at MY house everyday bothering ME.

"She doesn't care, Damon, just like I didn't." Katherine piped up. She was looking at the table as she said it. So uncharacteristic of her. I almost didn't believe she said it.

"I'm going to ignore that comment." I said staring over her head.

"Why? Why are you choosing to ignore everything? You're ignoring our help, you're ignoring Stefan telling you to fall for someone else, you're ignoring all of us telling you to stop pining for her. We all gave up our Friday night to help you out and you're being an ass. I'm so sorry she left you. I'm even more sorry that I'm trying to help you out because you obviously don't want it and it's so unlike me." She stood up to be in level with my eyes. " I don't want to be here anymore than you do. I can't stand being around you when you're like this. This downer Damon bugs me. It bugs all of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Stefan knew this you before, but you were _fun_ then. Killing people, speaking sarcastically. The good times. Jesus, Damon. You were putting more work into finding me and getting me out then you are her. Now? I don't feel like I know you, and I know I'm not the only one. You space out, you stare out of the window seventy five percent of the day, you're pouring your heart out to a computer screen, you're drinking out of blood bags. I think you've drained about sixty two bottles of bourbon in the past five months alone. All of this disgusts me. I know my opinion doesn't matter to you, I get that. But I can't bite my tongue anymore. This is bothering me, because it's _killing_ Stefan. He doesn't stop talking about it at home. He wants to stay in your guest room, all of the time."

"Shut up, Katherine. Stop talking. I don't want to hear your monologue anymore." My head was splitting open listening to her. I knew I was all of those things, I didn't need her to point them out to me. I see it in the mirror every morning. I glanced at everyone's faces of shock and agreement. "I'm going home now. I have no interest in being here anymore. Thank you all so much for, well, you know." with that, I turned on my heels and headed for my car. I could here footsteps following me, I wasn't paying enough attention to place them with someone.

"Damon.." I turned around to see Lexi following me. "Before you ask me to please fuck off, hear me out?" I nodded to her.

"Just don't tear into me like Katherine please." I was pleading with her. I couldn't take it if my head actually split open.

"I won't. I know how to walk around something softly. She's, well, she's Katherine." She laughed softly to herself. Her smile reached her eyes. It's been awhile since someone's expression reached their eyes around me. It was kind of refreshing. "I am so sorry about what you're going through. I've been reading your posts. I think they're amazing. If someone did something like that for me, I would be back here in a heartbeat. I know i'm not Elena, so that doesn't mean much to you." I shook my head at her as if to tell her, it meant something. She smiled. "I don't want to make it sound like I'm rubbing it in, she called me yesterday. I didn't ask many questions, I feel like I'm walking around on eggshells around her, so I stay on safe topics. But, I honestly don't think she's seen it yet. She sounds like she hasn't touched anything electronic for weeks. Hell, I don;t even think she has a phone anymore. I know you want to leave, and I don't blame you, but I just wanted to let you know that." She breathed deep. " I would have said something to you, but Stefan begged me not to. I can tell you things if you want me to?" she looked deep into my eyes, questioning what she had just said to me.

"No, not right now. Thank you though, I really appreciate it. But I think I'm going to go be out of character at home." I tried to smile warmly at her but I don't think I reached me goal. She nodded and waved at me.

I sat in my car not moving for a good ten minutes. I couldn't believe that everyone had been speaking to her. I couldn't believe they didn't tell me. I was even more shocked she worked so hard to do this all around me. I started to search my memories of her, I can't remember a time where we were fighting. Everything was so natural in our relationship, it was sickening. The things you write books about. I finally decided that I was looking pathetic enough sitting in my car and started to head home. I needed an outlet. I needed to write everything that was making my brain split open and swirl around. The shock of the night was tearing me apart. The one time I was bursting at my seems in six months and it wasn't a direct blow from Elena.

_**I remember the first day, when I finally opened my eyes and saw you for the first time. We were side by side in this same small town**_**. **_**All that time, I never really looked. You were always around, but never close enough. I remember hearing your story. I remember hearing your footfalls in the boarding house we used to reside in, when you were coming for my brother. We had never really met, just brushed shoulders through town. I remember those days with perfect clarity. I remember the times when you were laughing with my brother out on the back porch, while I was listening to Car ramble in Ty's ear. I remember B telling me your story when I asked like it was nothing. I remember watching you run your fingertips down the walls of the hallway when you were just padding around the house. I remember the time when your liquid eyes were actually over flowing, it was the hardest time. The time when He broke your heart, the one big surprise that shook us all. I remember when I got the courage to tell you you're a beautiful girl and I wanted you by my side and in my life. I remember I burned that bridge that I worked so hard to build up, watching you from afar. I remember all of those times, do you? Can you tell me what happened to those memories?**_

_**Things have been getting kind of heavy these days. There's decisions to make and the only time I feel okay is when I think of you. You've got me missing you, kid. All day, where did you go? I've been waiting here for **__**so long. I'm struggling with this reality that's been forced on me, it hurts like hell. That this is all that's left of me. Half of my heart, my mind, and my body have dissipated. I've been thinking of our times together, we never had a bad on. I never saw all of this coming, it's funny how something like this puts everything in perspective. If only you knew the truth about how I miss you, waking up without you seems to be the hardest part of my life, that I have to repeat everyday. Besides sitting around and dreaming of all the possibilities. I've been thinking maybe you should know, I have been dreaming of you. I've never slept so soundly. I've never dreamt these dreams. There's this amazing shade of blue and brown in your eyes, they shine so bright every time, with a sparkle in your smile and a scent on your clothes. I've never been so fucking happy to dream. **_

_**There's so many people talking here. They all know about you. I've been left out in the cold with everything. I found out He knows where you are, and you've been calling Him? I knew your brother and your aunt knew. I'm surprised He could keep that secret. I'm even more surprised you are calling HIM, of all people. And Kat too? Are there more that I don't know about? Is everyone in town in on this twisted fucking game we're playing here? The one that tears me apart at night and shatters my pieces to smithereens at day? Am I the only one in the dark about you? How is it possible that the man who was so important to you and played a big role in your life doesn't know any of this? How is it sitting right with you that I don't have a reason still? I don't have an address to send your things you forgot, how fast did you have your bags packed kid? Fast enough for me to miss all of the signs? But there weren't any were there?**_

_**I've lived in this world long enough to know when I'm being left behind, somehow you pulled the wool over my eyes. I don't know how you did it, kid, but I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm sitting here, locked in the study, it's the only room that still smells of you,**__** Kat**_****_**tried to rid you of everything last week. I bet you can imagine how that worked out. Some of your books are still here. I've been reading them as I find them, stashed in weird places. Between my books, under the couch cushions. What **_**were**_** you doing when I was working with the sheriff? Oddest game of book hide and seek? How many times did you lose? How many more books am I going to find around here? I don't know how many fake love stories I can read. But, I have to, they're the only piece of you I have left. It's sickening. I'll never forget you and I. We can't let all of this distance get between a perfect you and a perfect me. It's just so hard now that you're gone. **_

_**I wish I could tell you to forget my name, forget my face that it would all be that simple. But I can't. I don't want you to. Though, I know you already have. I miss you here tonight, it's clear the lights aren't shining as bright. All this change is turning love into pain. You were all I had, my last chance at a life. I wonder where you are. It's the one thing inside my head all the time. Every time I breathe, I ponder. I hope it's nice where you are.**_

…_**Is this where I'm supposed to say goodbye? I don't want to. **_

I stared at the black screen of my story. I didn't expect a novel to pour out of my fingertips tonight. I can feel myself being sewed raggedly back together. It's a temporary fix I tell myself. Every little bit helps.

-_I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Really, truly. _ Too little too late Steffie.

_A/N: This chapter just kept pouring from my fingers, so believe it or not... I have a second part! Yes, I'm not joking you. I didn't want you to hate my for making you read a forty five year long chapter so I broke it into two pieces. I'll get the next part up tomorrow or the next day. Consider it a selfish act, I'm sorry, but I really didn't want you running away from your computer screen screaming because this chapter was a book in itself! _

_I'd also like to thank Lauren of **waitingondelena[dot]tumblr[dot]com** and some of her followers for their help. It's technically in the next part but I just wanted to get that out there now. _


	5. Washington

I should have known that they weren't going to leave me alone. On a night with a pretty speech from Katherine and Stefan obviously letting me in on a secret I wasn't supposed to be, I should have know the famous couple would be arriving at my house when the festivities actually finalized. I was starting to think that Stefan knew better. I was giving him way to much credit for his own good.

Now that I think about it, Katherine is the one in that relationship that should know better. She knows well enough that the last face I want to see tonight is his.

"What a _delightful_ surprise little Steffie." I looked at Katherine as I said this and she mouthed _sorry_ to me. I shrugged back, wasn't much I could do was there?

"I feel like shit, Damon. I'm serious. I didn't know what you were going to do when you got home. If it's okay I'd like us to stay here tonight, just because."

"Can't really say no can I?" I grunted back to him. I swear I hear Katherine giggle.

"He'll chain himself to the door if he has to sweets, he already said that to me." She said with a enormous grin on her face. I don't think I've ever seen her smile so big. I stepped aside to let them past. I only had one other bedroom in this blasted house of mine, I can already guess I'm going to want to sleep on the couch tonight.

"We won't do anything, we promise." Stefan said as if he was reading my mind. He's been doing that a little too much lately for my own comfort. Katherine pouted and brushed past me on her way to the kitchen.

"Fridge is empty." I grunted to her, annoyed that she would just help herself.

"But I'm so hungry." She whined back to me, checking to make sure I wasn't lying to her. The fridge really was empty, I hadn't stocked it in days.

"There's alcohol in the living room, help yourself, I know you'd do it anyways." I rolled my eyes and started my way to the study. I had almost forgotten Caroline had kicked my door down with the mood I was in tonight and I had to do something about it before it got too late. Although, I'm almost positive whatever I was trying to keep in had left by the time I got home. We were out long enough.

After about ten minutes of me wishing I had four more hands, Stefan decided to lend me his. I wasn't up for brotherly whistling while we worked so when he started in on the apologizing for the fifth time that evening, I politely told him to shove it or I was going to attach him to my bumper and drive away. All I got in return was an '_I should have known'_ a little less than I had expected to be honest. I knew that in a few minutes he was going to start in on my again. Right when he opened his mouth, his little lady waltzed in and told him it was time to "retire to the bedroom." I almost saw my dinner for the second time that night. With a smirk and a wave they were gone, and I couldn't have been more thankful.

I settled into the couch with a book I had recovered from the top of the fridge. The places I'm finding them keep getting better and better. It was an awful book. Some unrealistic story about how a forty year old man was trying to date a sixteen year old. I was twenty pages in and it was giving me a headache. I don't know how she read this shit. I've only come across one good book of hers, and I was born when it was printed. Nothing like an 1800's book to get you going.

I chucked the awful object across the room. It smacked against the wall with a satisfying clap. Snickering, I rested my head on the arm rest and listened to the noises around me. Some sort of owl out back, a raccoon in the front lawn and a blooming conversation going on above my head. Never being one for privacy, although my earlier eavesdropping ended painful, this one was sure to be...interesting.

"_If I were you, I would have told him when she first started calling me."_

"_She started to call you! And you still didn't tell him!"_

"_He is _not_ my brother. He's yours. You owe him something."_

"_I don't owe him anything. I owe HER something. I left HER, I didn't leave him."_

"_I know, that was my job. I left him. But Stefan, family comes first, family _always_ comes first."_

"_I didn't want to hurt him." _ I scoffed at that. Humorous Stefan.

"_You hurt him worse by not telling him, couldn't you see?"_

"_Why are you yelling at me about this? I didn't ask for her to start contacting me. I didn't ask for her to BEG me not to tell him. I didn't want that on my shoulders. I didn't want any of this."_

"_I **cannot** believe that I'm feeling worse about this than you are. She called me once, once. She called you a dozen times. The secret was trying to crawl out of my skin. I almost burst when I hung up with her. How could you handle that? I have no attachments to him, you're his brother."_

"_I honestly don't think you're feeling worse. Don't you think that it was tearing me up inside too? I've been watching him split open for months now, I can't do anything. I didn't tell him because I knew that wasn't going to help him. Couldn't you see that he was shattering at dinner tonight? Couldn't you see **that?**"_

"_I saw it, believe me, I saw it. This whole situation is getting to me."_

"_Come on, Katherine. It's just like you to make it all about you."_

"_I'm **not** doing that. I just think..." _ I waited. I was on my toes and I wasn't the one fighting with her, I could only imagine what Stefan's face looked like right now.

"_You think what Katherine?"_

"_I think they go together just as well as oil and water. Obviously because it went so well. I didn't want them to be together. I knew this would happen."_

"_No you didn't. None of us did. HE didn't even see it coming. They were happy. It was as much of a surprise as anything."_

"_I can't talk about this anymore. I can't do it. I'm not going to look at him like this anymore. I'm going to fix it._

"_You can't fix it. Only she can. Or he needs to do something. You're only going to make it worse."_

I could sense her glaring at him at this point. I knew that this was going to be an entertaining conversation even if I was the focal point.

"_I love you, you know I do, Kat. This is just something they have to work at. I don't know if it will ever be fixed."_

"_I know that. It just doesn't sit right with me."_

"_Me either. Me either."_

That was less than fulfilling. I was ready for a knock down drag out fight. Apparently, I had already gotten it. And I was one of the contenders.

…_**...**_

**A/N:** _I'm changing it up here, the point of view, I mean. Just for this part of the chapter. It's also kind of a "meanwhile, yet a month-ish from now" type section. I hope it leaves you drooling when you're done reading it, I know I was mopping some up when the thought came to my mind. So enjoy:_

…**...**

I have never seen Washington sparkle before tonight. Sure, when I got here several months ago, it looked bright and shiny and new. But there was something about it tonight. I don't know, maybe it was the fact that my first published piece was a headline in the paper. Maybe, it was the fireworks out back of the White House. Maybe, it was the three day vacation I took from it. There was something about this night, I wanted to put my finger on it but I couldn't.

I had just gotten back from visiting a book festival in California, the best one I've ever come across. Liv had gone with me, I could talk her into anything these days. I was trying to restock all of my book inventory. The entire time I was gone I was thinking of all the papers I had due. My adviser, Mr. Mariano, was starting to warn me about all of my slipping grades. I guess it's that time of year that's making me wallow. Right now, all I wanted was to be back in the dorm room listening to Cade complain about every paper she had to write, but was procrastinating because none of them were fun, and waiting for Liv to show up with bad take out. It's funny how my life went from Mystic Falls supernatural to Washington D.C. Shockingly normal. Roommates with bad take out and Internet addictions. That's how my life should have been from the start.

I spent most of my time in the library these days, with the delicious old book smell and the ability to do work. It wasn't much but, I didn't bring my most of my favorite books with me, I had lost most of them, I'm not quite sure where. The girls always made fun of me, when the librarian would see me in public and know who I was. It made me warm and fuzzy to be honest though. Something tickling me about how _this _ was how my life was supposed to turn out, not drenched in some really horrible sci-fi flick like aura around us all.

We had just arrived back to the dorms and we could smell the aroma of rotting Chinese food and sweat socks.

"Home sweet home." Liv stated breathing in deeply. I was starting to get worried about how our dorm was going to look, leaving Cade "home" alone and all. I knew it was going to be trashed and she was going to be drowning in something and complaining. Couldn't wait.

" Elenaaaaaa!" Cade screamed at me over the mountain of papers she was hiding behind, making it look like she was actually doing some work.

"Oh. My. God." I turned to see Liv's eyes wide in shock, then fade and cringe in disgust as she was trying to peel a cereal bowl off of the counter, with no luck. "What have you done to this room? It was sparkling when we left." She was about five seconds away from screaming at Cade.

"I have been trying to work. Four papers due in two days. I kind of wanted to shoot myself all weekend. Forty pages to write and I've only gotten about twenty done. I have been staring at this computer screen since the second you left." Cade started to explain her self. I could hear the worry coat her voice. I knew at that point she was being honest with us.

It took Liv and I about two hours to return the dorm back to the state we had left it in. Fifteen cereal bowls, six plates, thirty four glasses and countless forks and spoons to wash. All pretty much cemented together in whatever Cade had decided to munch on. God only knows what that could have been, she didn't really eat _normally_ when we were gone. After a much needed power nap, I decided it was best if I actually got to work on the papers I was neglecting for a weekend away. Before I had even typed a word Cade interrupted my thoughts.

"Elena, you _have_ to read this blog I found while researching one of my papers. It's darkly romantic, and kind of depressing all in one." She stated with what looked like a forced smile on her face.

"Cade, no. I can't. I have to finish these papers and do some extra credit for my English professor. I'm kind of starting to regret my little weekend vacation." I snapped at her, more than I had meant to. I was in the zone on my thinking and she was disturbing it.

"Please, just this one post. It'll make you melt. Come on." She was pleading with me. I glared at her.

"She can't, Cade. We all know that, you read the email that the super hot advisor left her." Liv saved me with a wink and a smirk. Cade whined and almost started in again.

"Fine, in a half an hour, read it to me. I have, and I mean _have_ to finish this. I've only got five pages left to shoot out. Then you can read all your little heart desires to me. Deal?" I was giving in, it was the only way to keep things running smooth around here. I was losing my edge. She perked up though. That made it worth it, sort of.

I swear she was counting down the minutes in her head. She was getting restless as I saw I only had five minutes left on her waiting period, luckily I had about three words left to type. Shutting my laptop and grinning at her.

"Okay, Hit me with it, let's roll sister." I started to straighten up, planning on doing something while listening. Even Liv, put down her school work to appease her. Cade lit right up.

"Okay, so, I was on Google, a lot, and each time there was this ad on the side of the page for this blog. It's some mystery guy pleading with an equally mystery girl to come back to him." My stomach lurched. "It's adorable. If I ever left someone, I'd kill for them to do something like this. You should really read the whole thing, there's only a few posts, but it's intense." She glanced over at me as if to ask if it was okay. Could she possibly just pretend to not be able to read me like a book, I swear she felt the lurch in my stomach too. I nodded to her to continue. "Okay, this is the first one I read." She paused before she went on. I took a deep breath, and she glared at me.

"Hit me. Let's roll sister." I was sick of waiting for her to go on. She rolled her eyes.

" '_My life is full of secrets, and stories, I've kept within. My days are used for nothing but tearing myself apart. My nights I spend wasting alone in the dark. This is all of my pathetic little life. The only thing left on my mind is how I let her go. I know I said I'd never hurt you, I'd never walk away. But now that you have, there's no reason I should stay. Our love never left me alone, but since your heart is moving on, I swear I'll try not to remember what it feels like when you've got nothing left. What happened to our future? It was always you and me, where did all the good times go? Cheers, to you, Kid.' " _My head snapped up at her and my jaw probably hit the floor. " '_ You left me behind. You left, and all I do is live to make you mine. You're the only one who could get me through when I'm on my hands and knees. If you promise that you're happy, I'll never stop loving you. They say it's time I let you go.'" _She huffed and looked up at me. My stomach was in my feet. I think the second she stopped, my heart exploded.

"Uh. Who...who, who." I cleared my throat and composed myself. "Whose blog is that?" It took too long to get out smoothly for my own comfort.

"I don't know. Like I said, it had an ad on Google. And I was doing my paper, and my procrastinating got the best of me, and I clicked on it. I've been hooked ever since." She sounded annoyed with me. I could hear her irritation thick in her voice.

"Does it have, like a name? Or something. Do those things have names? Why would someone name it? Is there a a name?" I was rambling. I looked between her and Liv, they were both staring at me confused.

"Hm. Yeah, I guess. The URL says eternal stud." They both laughed. I gave into my weak knees and sat down on my bed. "Oh, and the title says '_Most Eligible Salvatore.'" _She finished with a smile. It was like someone stabbed me in my chest and all of the air had been sucked out of the room. I couldn't think clearly.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god." I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

"Elena, what's going on? What's wrong?" Liv was the one to break through my thoughts.

"That's me." I didn't look her, just at my shoes.

"I know that? I asked you what was wrong." She stated clearly confused about what was going on. She shot Cade a look who was mirroring the look on Liv's face.

"NO! Liv. That blog. It's him. It's about me." They both looked incredibly confused, then alarmingly aware of what was happening.

"Him. Like _him_ him? The him you ran away from?" Cade asked what was lingering on both of their faces.

"YES. Holy shit, holy shit." Seriously, they were going to have to admit me into the hospital for this nervous breakdown.

"Elena. Calm down. Please, breathe deep and calm down." Liv was rubbing my shins, and staring at me.

" I cannot fucking calm down. I cannot. I just I can't. I can't breathe. I think all of my organs stopped working." I was practically screaming at her.

"Hm. Maybe? You're not going to like this idea, but this is what I'd do. Maybe, you should read the rest of it? It looks like there's only like ten or eleven posts. I'll hold your hand." Liv slightly grinned at me. She was trying to lighten the mood, I had to be thankful for at least that. I shook my head.

"I can't do that. I just can't." I protested.

"Maybe, you have too." Cade started in. "There's a new one up, that one is kind of long." She stated putting her computer on my lap, smiling at me. "Start with that one, then go to the beginning." She shrugged at me. I half smiled at her and nodded to her.

_'I've been spending these past seven months taking giant steps toward becoming the only thing I can believe in; myself.' _it started in. I sucked in a giant breath. '_I used to be nothing like this. Even the sky is staring at me, because I'm down on my knees just begging you to come home. There's so many people who need you in their lives again. Good thing about the road is it'll open your eyes. It will eventually make you miss home and miss all of the people that come with it._

_I'm sorry I wont cut it for the rest of your life. I'm hoping someday you'll realize what you tossed aside. When it all comes crashing down on you, I'll still be sitting here, with the door locked, refusing to let anyone in. I'm just having a hard time believing you're gone, you're always right here. You were always right here. The world got tough, you left, but you always stayed right here. I can't believe it didn't take anything to make you leave. Nothing, except me. You've made that crystal clear. I'm so mad I never got to say goodbye. All I can do is sit around and ponder on why. I've got all our memories dancing in my head. I can't pick out a time I noticed your face change. It was all better before. Now this screen is all that listens and the computer is always by my side. It wasn't my intention to have these words be out in the world, but after awhile, I didn't expect them to not work. I'm sure someone's told you, or you've seen them. It's making me feel like I'm only in your life to walk in and say goodbye. I don't want to, but it seems that that is all that's left. I'm putting all of these pictures of you and me, all your books and clothes into torn boxes as reminders for me to never fall in love again, it's never ended well for me._

_Should I apologize for all the mistakes I never knew I was making? When this turns out to be a dead end, where should I go next? Are you really going to walk away from all of this pain? I hope in some twisted spirally way, this reminds you that you are the best part of my life. This world is about to change._

_So just close your eyes, and when you open them, I'll be gone. Just like some stupid trick but that's what you wanted all along, there's no need for me to stay here and keep trying. _

_I just want you to know, every breath you take, I swear on every inch of your lungs, I'll be with you. _

_If you can hear me now, if you're reading this., if you're out there, wherever you are. I miss you. I love you. And well, this is just my way of getting thought to you. _

_I hope to see you again, but for now. I'm giving you what you've wanted from the beginning. Goodbye, kid. _

I swear the world stop turning for a moment.

_A/N: I'm so so so so so so so so so so so sorry, times about sixty seven more so's. I didn't mean for it to take this long. I had most of it done, and then my computer crashed and I lost half of it. Then my Internet went out, and I lost the motivation to write it because I was getting so mad at my luck. I left it alone for, well, a while. I don't even know if it was worth the wait. I hope my cliffhangerish thing is going to keep you with me. I can tell you one thing, the next few chapters are going to be really fun for me to write. Stay with me, keep reading it. I love you all. _

_And, the questions I've been getting about if Elena is going to come back and why she left, I would LOVE to tell you all, but that would require me to know myself. :) I'm writing as I go here._

_'the thank you for Lauren and her followers in the last chapter, were for the names of Damon's Tumblr URL and title. Head over to eternal-stud-[dot]tumblr[dot]com, [obviously replace the [dot]'s with actual .'s :p] for a live version of Damon's Tumblr, and posts that didn't make it into the story!_


	6. Perspective

_A/N: Hey guys, I'm super sorry this took forever! I had some serious writers block. I swear the chapter six won't take as long. I already have half of it done, and I'm sorry it's going to be a little short. _

_Just a heads up, this is kind of a filler chapter, things are said though, not really important things, but I'm damn proud of most of these sentences. And it ends with a bang! Enjoy, I'll see you in the next chapter!_

I need a shot, or to _be_ shot.

Either one right now would suffice. If Caroline drags me into another store or screeches over something one more time, I'm going to find a pencil.

I'm not sure how I got conned into this. I don't even know what we're doing. All I know is that I woke up to her standing over me like some creepy horror movie killer with a clown grin on and some evil plot to make me want to commit suicide. Five minutes after she finally left to allow me to throw on jeans, she burst through my bedroom door _again_ and snatches my hand, to which she retorts

"Stop looking at me like I have forty-two heads, or that in any second I'm going to burst into flames. I was free, you were mopey, here we are!"

I didn't want to be where we were. I can tell you that right now. I had _just_ gotten home maybe three hours ago from the wonderful outing that Matt dragged me out into and all I wanted to do was sleep off the cheap liquor that was practically forced down my throat. Something about this made me think, I'm in for rounds. One by one they are going to come and annoy me to death. AND I AM ALREADY DEAD. That's quite an accomplishment they've got.

We had just left the only clothing store in Mystic where she had me sit on a really uncomfortable chair while she tried on every piece of cloth there was in that store. I could've poked my eyes out and learned how to put them back in in the time she took to pick out, and I am _not_ joking, one pair of jeans. If she wasn't already dead, I would have sucked her dry.

She was dragging me into the book store now, six hours after she had dragged me out of bed. I won't lie though, I have been meaning to get here. I need something new to occupy my time, different books, books that aren't _hers_.

Caroline was mumbling to herself, it wasn't inaudible but I was choosing to make it so. I was too interested in finding titles to pop out at me. I was over the early 1900's literature, I read it then, and I read it again now. I was done. I was also trying to stay away from anything that sounded sappy, my writing was sappy enough as it is, I don't need more added into my life.

I started to run my fingertips down the many spines of the stories that are binding some fictional person in forever, looking desperately for something to pop out at me. Skipping over every false adaptation of vampire life. They made me want to call up the authors and make them see the truth, that would be trouble for both of us. Deliberately moving over Jane Austen, Nora Roberts, and Nicholas Sparks, moving over to something that would tickle the ivory of my eyes. Leeching onto Stephen King, James Patterson, and something that shocked me, picking up a Sylvia Plath. The binds of these books were starting to dig into my arm when I was scrambling to find Blondie. I could hear her voice, chattering with the customer service guy, as if the small forty by sixty feet store we were in made it hard to find something.

I slid up next to her giving her a smile that made her grimace. I rolled my eyes.

"I just wanted to say..." I huffed for effect.

"What, Damon?" She was getting impatient, like it was me that was dragging her around town and not the other way around.

"I just wanted to thank you for bringing me here, I've been meaning to do it, and, well. I really needed it." Her eyes widened. _Really? It's __**that**__ shocking to get a thank you from me?_

"Well, you're welcome. I was thinking I'd bring you to get some movies, and to stock up your kitchen." She glanced around her making sure no one was looking or listening "And to get some other things, considering..."

I just smiled in return. She may annoy the hell out of me, but she hasn't been badgering me about Elena, unlike almost everyone else in the group. So I had to be thankful for her, Barbie ways or not.

"What did you snatch?" She asked while curiously leaning over my shoulder to peek at what I picked up. I moved my arm away from my body a bit to read the titles to her.

"Uh, well, I got _Kiss The Girls, The Green Mile, The Bell Jar, _and _A Million Little Pieces_." I said with a smile. I was proud of my selections. She smirked.

"I asked the guy behind the counter for something I thought you might be interested in. I did a little digging on it. The title was what brought me in, the actual story line didn't seem bad." I nodded while looking at the shelf behind us. I heard her laugh as I perused the titles screaming out to be read. I scoffed at one _Diary _and picked it up turning it over to read the synopsis, satisfied I placed it on my pile, turning back to her.

She had an eyebrow raised at me. "Girly?"

"Actually, no. Thank you very much." She let out a giggle. How Barbie of her.

"I found it!" The damn guy really didn't need to scream, we were the only two in the store and Caroline was leaning half on the counter, we were literally right on top of him. "Sorry," Apparently I wasn't the only one glaring at him for his outburst "I got a little excited." He chuckled to himself and handed the book over to Caroline.

She turned around smirking at me. "Here ya go." I narrowed my eyes at her before turning my attention on to the book in her hands _The Book of Laughter and Forgetting._

"Subtle Caroline. Real subtle." I scoffed at her. She smiled brightly at me.

"It should do you some good." She returned very confident in her assumption. "Let's go get you somethings to fill up your house." She finished with a small smile. I gestured to her as if saying 'after you'

She trotted outside where the sky had suddenly turned a dark gray.

"It wasn't supposed to rain today, that's why I insisted we walk." I could tell she was bluntly disappointed with the change in the weather.

"Afraid it will ruin your hair?" I asked putting my hands over her head like a make shift umbrella, accidentally hitting her in the back with my bag of books. I didn't realize it until she let out a slight 'oof'. "Sorry" I muttered to her.

She laughed. "It's okay. It's nice to hear you joke." She said swatting me with her bag of jeans. I put my hand up in a gesture of surrender, she cackled wildly and walked into the back of another blond. "Geesh, I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Lexi turned around smiling at us. "Hey, guys. I was actually just looking for you."

"You were?" Caroline questioned her. "Why?"

"Matt hasn't rolled out of bed yet and I need to do some grocery shopping. He refused to get up and come with me." She looked over at me, her eyes narrowing a little. "Hangover." I nodded in understanding. Caroline giggled. She has got to stop doing that. It makes me feel like I'm hanging out with a little kid.

"I figured he wasn't going to move today. He has only himself to blame. I told him I wanted to be cut off four hours before he let us leave." I started to defend myself, knowing Lexi was going to start pinning it on me.

"Oh, I know. He told me. Up until he couldn't remember anymore. I'm just thankful he was with you." She poked me on the shoulder. "So, you don't care if I join the party do you, I really hate going places by myself." She looked at her shoes nervously.

"Not a problem!" Caroline said very cheerily. "We were actually going to pick up some DVDs for the poor soul over here first." She smacked me on the back of the head, I glared at her.

"Great, it's Damon and the chickies. How the hell did I get sucked into this?" Caroline rolled her eyes as we started in the direction of the next stop.

Suddenly, I felt like I hadn't slept in a century. The two and a half hours of sleep I had gotten was starting to catch up to me. I wanted to just give Lexi some cash and have her pick up my things and bring them over. I felt like I was sleep walking. Lex eyed me curiously.

The shrill of Caroline's phone brought me back to life. We both glared at her to pick it up, she rolled her eyes and started a few paces ahead of us.

"So, did you enjoy your night out?" Lexi asked bumping my shoulder with her own.

"It was decent. Can't complain I suppose." I bumped her back. She laughed.

"Matt was very excited to take you out."

"You make it sound like it was a date." I laughed back to her. Her light laugh brightened her eyes. It was a refreshing change.

"Well, when you put it that way..." She started to imply with a sly smirk.

"Oh, don't start. He's a decent guy you've got on your arm there, Lex." I told her with a smile.

"I know. He was telling me how he senses that everyone is getting on your nerves and he just wants to help you chill out. Bars, football games, hockey games. Guy things. He told me he wants to be the anti-Stefan." She said smiling at the thought. I laughed a little myself.

"_Steffie_ is getting on my nerves. Everyone else is really keeping their distance. Which most of the time I appreciate. I also appreciate having someone pull me out of that house before I drown." I was going soft. I could feel it. Her departure was turning me into a girlie guy. _Shit._

"I figured that much. I talked to Stefan, told him to let up a little. Leave you alone. He said Katherine told him the same thing." She laughed to herself. "Katherine is turning into mush. I kind of miss her bitch,"

"_Her bitch." _ I laughed at her way of putting it. "You say it like she has split personalities." She laughed loudly, the sound drenching my ear drums. I was missing a genuine laugh in my life. Lexi's laugh wasn't the same as Elena's, but it warmed my blood almost the same.

"She could. She has lived long enough for five or six people. She could accumulate them." She stated with a smirk and glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.

"You've stopped writing." She said suddenly.

"No." I retorted simply.

"Yes, I told you I read it. You haven't posted anything in...days." It was starting to sound like an accusation. "I read the _goodbye_ post. I cried." She looked like she was going to burst at the seems now.

"It needed to be done." I shrugged it off.

"I just wanted you to know," She started in and drew in a shaky breath. "that it's heartbreakingly beautiful."

"Thanks, I think."

"If it doesn't change something in her, she didn't have a heart to begin with." I could hear the anger bubbling in her voice.

"Elena," I sucked in a sharp breath. "Elena has always had the biggest heart I've ever met." I don't know why I was defending her. I should have been relishing in the fact that Lexi was siding with me, telling me what at the darkest time of night, I wanted to hear. "Yet, hearts can change hands." She gasped.

"Love will tear us apart, Damon. Most of the time, a _realistic_ love runs out of room. And all of the time, life deals people a pretty shitty hand." She stated starring straight ahead at the leading form that is Caroline.

I thought about her words. Love does tear everyone apart, maybe not couple wise. But more like emotionally, mentally. She was painfully true. Her words burned going down like the shot I so desperately needed a few hours ago. I starred blankly at her. I couldn't come up with anything to counter what she had just said. She shrugged at me.

"Can I ask you something?" The question was out before I even had time to register it.

"Of course, that's what I'm here for." She answered with a wink. I smirked back at her

"I was thinking. If she read it, if she decided that I was worth it again, if she decided to come back," I paused, breathing deeply, thinking where I really wanted to go with this. She was pleading with her eyes for me to continue. "would it be wrong, or horribly weak of me to just let her back into my life?" Her eyes widened in response to the question as if that was the last thing she thought I'd ask. If it were any other time in my life, if we were talking about any other person, it probably would have been.

"Well," She stopped, the confusion of her own thoughts were drowning her blue eyes. She was silent for awhile. I let her think and shoved my fists in my jacket pockets. She turned to look at me, side stepping to keep pace. "No." She suddenly stated simply, with no follow up.

"Really?"

"Really." She responded nodding her head. "I really think that it wouldn't be weak or wrong. I think you'd be leading with your heart. The truth comes from the heart. You got to run with your feelings and lead with your heart. I believe that's the only way for anyone to be happy. The heart is the most trusting organ. It puts faith in everyone and everything. If you can't make a snap decision based on what your heart is telling you, then you haven't really been living in the first place. Your head is only useful to tell you not to jump off that building, what blood is keeping you going, and to move your limbs. Everything else should be decided by your heart." She clapped her hands together signaling she was done with her insight.

"I just." I started to say through gritted teeth, and kicked a stone down the sidewalk.

"Guys, I have to go. Tyler's got something going on and he needs me to tag along." Caroline interrupted my thought process. Lexi mouthed '_keep that thought'_ to me. "I was going to pay for your groceries, a gift from me to you, so here." Caroline thrusted several twenties into my hand, with a bright smile on her face. "Ty said we could stop by the blood bank on our way where we're going, so I'll stop by with that later, I'm running low too so it's going to help." She turned her attention on to Lexi, "Do you need some stock?" Lexi just nodded. "Okay! I'll grab all I can, and drop it off later. You take good care of him." She said with a smile, turning and waved. She was gone in a flash. Lexi laughed at her, and turned her attention back to me.

"So, you just..." She said, getting me back on topic.

"I just, I can't believe I had it all, everything. The girl, the house, the life. And then I watched it all fade away." I said jumping right back into it like Caroline never stopped us.

Lexi nodded in understanding. "I don't think you watched it fade away, personally." She said grabbing a cart and heading for produce. "This might hurt," She winced at her upcoming thought. "I think that it disappeared out of your line of vision so fast that you didn't even have a chance to throw a lasso around it and that's not fair to you."

"Right." I said, trying to get her to continue as I threw a bag of tomatoes and peaches into the cart.

"Don't get me wrong," She started, catching on to me. "I love Elena, like family. But what she did was wrong. She didn't give you a chance to win her back, to change her mind. She just bolted. It wasn't fair to you. It honestly, wasn't fair to her either." I stared at her, holding a pack of spinach, questioning where she was going.

"Uh..?" was all I could spit out.

"Erm. Well. It's not fair to her, because she didn't give herself a chance to be happy. I watched her date around town." She paused at her words. "That sounded bad." We both let out a shaky laugh. "I didn't mean it to sound like I thought she was promiscuous. She just first dated a lot." She said with a smile. "She never looked at anyone with pride in her eyes. She always looked like she wasn't finding what she wanted to in them. That changed a while later though." She stopped talking to compare boxes of cereal. Looking at me for help in the decision since they were going to my house.

"Frosted Flakes. What do you mean it changed?" I quizzed her.

"It changed about a week after what happened with Stefan." She grimaced at the memory, I followed suite short after. Thinking of how she looked the night she found out, standing on my threshold. We were all a little shocked. "You did everything for her. Dinner, movie, billiards, book signings, plays, showing up wherever she wanted to go, family outings, anything with no complaints, no hesitation, always with a smile. You made her see the sunlight. You didn't push, you kept up wit her pace, made her shower and change her clothes. You never left her side, she never let you go. That's when her eyes changed. That's when she started to look at someone with pride." She looked over at me, tossing boxes of Velveeta in along with the other food. "That is when she started to make decisions with her heart and not her head." she stated pointedly, trying to prove her earlier point.

She let me stew on all the things she threw at me in the last hour while we were heading for the check out. I was happy to get things done today. I was also beginning to become more appreciative of Lexi. No judgment, no pushing. She was like Caroline earlier today, but easier to handle, easier to listen to. We fell in step with grace, it was a refreshing change from the group. I started to feel like I was leaning on Lexi, like I couldn't move if she wasn't helping me, or on my side.

We returned to my house and putting away the food, books and dvds purchased. I felt full just looking at my once empty shelves everywhere having something to house.

I was more than happy at this moment to have the two blond Barbies in my group. _Now, I'm really starting to sound like a girl. _I groaned to myself.

"I'm going to head out, make Matthew get his ass out of bed and make me dinner." She said with a smirk and an evil glint in her eyes. I laughed.

"Alright," I walked her to her car, as if she couldn't handle herself out in the night, I scoffed. "Thank you."

She turned to me, bright eyes with a little understanding counteracting the questioning behind it.

"For talking to me, buying groceries with me, acting like I wasn't some awful sullen, slothy, mopey vampire. For being a tall drink of water." I said, finishing with a joke because it needed to be there. She laughed.

"If the 'tall drink of water' wasn't added on to that, I would've said you were hitting on me. But, don't worry about, I'm more than happy to be a life line." She said knowingly. "Now, go to bed. Caroline got you out of it too early, considering Matt's probably still in it." She stated with a wink and started to back out of my driveway.

I took her advice, grabbing one of the new books out of the bag on the couch and settled into the chair near the fireplace. I had to stay up, Caroline was coming over, dropping off something I was starting to crave. I was strangely looking forward to her visit. ...for the obvious reason of, she had the blood!

Diving into the book she had selected for me, knowing she'd annoy the hell out of me until I did and I couldn't handle her screeching any longer, I immersed myself into the writing of and the world Milan Kundera created.

It seemed like forever before there was a knock at my door. I thought it was a little strange, it couldn't have been Caroline, she had gotten used to letting herself in. Not that I minded, people were doing it all the time lately. I couldn't get over the strange feeling I was getting that she wasn't just walking right in. It had to be someone I wasn't expecting.

I searched around the room for something to hold my place in the book. Grabbing a coaster from the bar last night with "Cherry 545-5678" written on it. I felt bile in my throat remember the woman who handed it to me, smelled of cheap perfume, dirty hotel rooms, and bad tequila. She had coral lipstick and a deep shade of purple adorning her eyelids. She was the most repulsive turn off of a woman I've come across in a very long time. I shook off her memory, shoving the only thing I could find into my page.

Groaning, I made my way to the door. I wasn't ready for anyone who wasn't supplying me with something I really wanted at the moment, and the only person that fit that was blond. All I saw when I looked out of the small window on my wooden door was a head full of brown hair. _Not Caroline. Not blood._ I grumbled to myself. _Who the hell would come to my house at midnight? Well, anyone out of their sane mind, would be your answer._

I looked back into the living room as I opened the door, hearing the fire crackle a little to loud for my comfort. I rested myself up against the cold wood before turning my attention back onto the visitor that so _nicely_ showed up at my door now. She looked at me. My eyes could have fallen out of my head. It was a face I hadn't seen in what? Eight months? Yes, eight months sounds about right. It couldn't have been her. I was just making up the face in front of me. I shook my head as if to clarify my vision. No such luck.

I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence. Not even a _what the fuck?_ Was muttered. I just stared.

After what seemed like ages, she spoke up.

"Hi." _seriously? Seriously? You have got to be kidding me._

"That's what you say? Really?" I snapped at her.

"It's all I could think of." She returned my fury. What right did she have to be mad at me? I wasn't the one who booked it long ago. I stayed put, she was the one who left.

"What the _fuck, _Elena?" I spat at her.

"Don't say my name like that." She glared at me.

"I'm not sure I have any other way to say it." My eyes narrowed at her.

"Stop talking to me like I'm dirt on your shoe, Damon, please." Her shoulders hunched over.

"What are you doing here, other than telling me how I should be responding to your sudden appearance in my life?"

"I needed to see you." She retorted simply.

"You could have been seeing me for eight months, if you really wanted to." She scoffed at me, entering the house and making her way into the living room. I followed on her heels.

"I didn't invite you in." I stated the obvious.

"No kidding." She sat on the couch and turned to look at me. She patted the cushion next to her, signally I should again, follow her lead. "I have things I want to tell you."

I let out a deep breath I wasn't aware I had been holding and sat down next to her. Before she could open her mouth to say anything else there was a loud WHAM! The sound of the front door being swung open and smashing against the wall.

I was startled awake, I hadn't even realized I dozed off before Caroline so gracefully entered my house. I quickly glanced around my living room, wondering where the girl that was just sitting on my couch sauntered off to. _It couldn't have been a dream_ I thought _she seemed too real. _

"Are you okay? You look a little confused." Caroline brought her presence to my attention again, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, fine. Just had a _very_ realistic dream." I shrugged off her questioning look like it was nothing.

"Okay, if you say so." She looked me over again. "I got enough for about three months." She said triumphantly, setting the two large coolers down on the kitchen floor. "I'm going to head out now, you're very welcome Damon." She annoyingly stated.

"Thanks, Barbie." She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Goodbye, sweetness." She said with fake sugar and a roll of her eyes. "Hope you enjoy your new things!" with that she was out of my house as fast as she came in.

I didn't even have time to think about the ridiculously real dream before Alaric waltzed in the door.

"Jesus." I muttered. "I cannot catch a break today."

He stopped short, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "Huh?"

"You're like the fifth person I ran into today."

"Oh, well I was sent by the other half to see how you were doing and shed some 'Alaric light' onto your life." He said walking over to my liquor cart.

"Alaric light, really?" I laughed at him,

"Jena's words, not mine."

"Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night." I returned, sitting back in my chair, opening my book back up.

"Who is... Cherry?" He asked as he picked up the coaster I had just set on the table between us.

"The worst excuse for a woman I have _ever_ seen." I replied with a grimace. He laughed heartily.

"She sounds like a blast!" He said with a large fake smile and two thumbs up. I threw a pen at him.

"Shed some light, man. I must sleep."

"I heard you were out with Lex earlier." He stated the events of my day, as if I didn't know them already.

"Yes, she shed some 'Lexi light' on my life." I said with a smirk, the pen returned into my forehead. "Hey!"

"Don't start with that," He quirked. "Anything good?"

"What?"

"She tell you anything good, useful?" He clarified.

"She was Lexi, insightfully woman-like." I stated twirling the pen in my hand like a drum stick.

"_Insightfully woman-like._" He laughed. "Sounds painful."

"Har dee har har. She was fine. She put things in perspective, made me look at things different."

"Hmph, more power to her! Mind if I put some of my perspective on things?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope."

"Then by all means, good sir." I said leaning back into my chair.

"When I was the age Stefan's pretending to be right now," I laughed loudly "the girl, Selena, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, left. Just like Elena did. Out of no where. I was feeling pretty much like you are right now. I notice the signs, so don't say it's not the same, because it is. It's so strange, no one tells you that when your heart breaks, you can actually feel it. I didn't realize there was physical pain before she never showed up in history class again. It's like it stops your breathing, it's worse than any other wound ever. I stopped moving, I stopped showing up to school, I stopped doing my homework, eating, sleeping. Everything I had excelled at earlier in life, I just gave up on. Much like you are now. No one asked if I was okay, no one asked if I wanted someone to help me out of my vegetative state. They all left me alone. Alone was probably the worst punishment. It left me time to wallow, to wonder."

He took a deep breath and looked in my direction. I nodded at him, feeling everything he was saying to me. His past mirroring my present.

"When I finally made it out of the house, back to school, it was like a sick joke. Everywhere I looked I thought I saw her, I was falling asleep in public and dreaming she was sitting with me. It always seemed so real. I was yelling at everyone telling me she wasn't coming back, she left me, she was gone. I was alienating people. Much like you are now. A couple years later, I was in North Carolina for college, hundreds of miles away from home. She had finally left my brain, I was with Isobel then, happily. I was in the student bookstore in desperate need of a new text book or I was going to fail something or other. I wasn't even paying attention to my surroundings and threw the book on the counter, I was kind of having a break down. School was getting under my skin. I didn't even look at the person scanning my books until I handed her my student ID and I hear a gasp. It was Selena, she was behind the desk, working and going to school where I was. I could have kicked the fates' asses for doing that to me."

I laughed at him. "That would have been the sight to see." He glared at me.

"_Anyways_, she looked at me like nothing had ever changed. Like I followed her where she was, like I was trying to get her back. I was so far from wanting anything to do with her, or so I thought. She was everything to me at one point in my life. It was scary how much my world revolved around her and her leaving. And then there she was. Boom. In my life again. She asked if I wanted to catch up sometime, and we met a week later. She apologized profusely, her parents made her leave. I yelled at her, said some pretty nasty things. I expected her to book it again. She just sat there and took it like a man. Told me she deserved everything I was screaming at her. This twenty year old girl, taking everything I was throwing, screaming at her. I couldn't have wanted her more than that moment. That disgusted me. She walked all over me, and all I wanted to do was ravish her." I grimaced.

He caught it and laughed, but continued. "I started to tell her about life after she left, she started to cry. Said she never meant for things to happen like that, she was ashamed of herself for letting things pan out the way they did. Then she hit me with the doosey. The '_I never stopped loving you, I haven't loved anyone since.' _ I was cringing, I'm sure of it. She apologized again for throwing that at me but '_it just had to be said'_ she started to make me rethink Isobel, I couldn't believe it. This awful person in front of me was making me forget the woman who put my life back together. That's when I started to tell her about Isobel, and she started in with this crap of '_what does your heart tell you? What does your head say?'_ I asked her if there was a difference. Apparently there is, your head makes false decisions when it comes to the ones you love, and your heart makes the true ones."

"That's pretty much what Lexi said to me earlier." I interjected.

"Well, I guess Selena wasn't crazy." He laughed. "Okay, well not crazy about the head and heart thing. She asked me who was in my head and who was in my heart. If my heart told her Isobel. She'd leave, if it said her, I was going to have to do some serious thinking. I stared at her for a minute. She countered it '_it doesn't count if you think about it.' _The second she said it, my heart made it's choice, and it wasn't Selena. It was most definitely Isobel."

I rolled my eyes and huffed at him. "Look where that got you."

He cleared his throat. "It got me to Jena. Who I would choose over either of those two any day of my life. yet...who really knows right? The mind is a funny thing. The heart is such a fickle one. Mine never make up what they want to do..."

I was so wrapped up in Alaric's speech when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I barely glanced at the caller ID, not recognizing the number flashing on my screen.

"I'm busy. Talk fast." I snapped irritatedly into the speaker.

"_Hey... It's me..." _


	7. Predicament

He was supposed to be able to smell the difference. He was supposed to know the quirks that set them apart. Why all of a sudden those very important qualities about him were dissipating was pissing him off.

They were talking for a good twenty minutes before he realized it wasn't what he thought. He was being tricked. His mind had to have been playing games with him, he was not okay with that.

Where was the smell that was supposed to help him not get blind sided? More importantly, where the fuck were his other friends saving him from this catastrophe he had just placed himself in?

And yet, here's the best question of them all. Why wasn't he corrected when he used the wrong name, about forty six thousand times? It had to be clear he wasn't kidding around, especially when he started talking about the previous nights.

"Hey, where'd you go?"

"I'm right here?"

"I know, you zoned out on me..."

"I'm sorry, I was trying to figure something out, catch my mistakes. you know?"

"I am not following you?"

"You haven't really been paying attention then either."

He could tell that the focus was not on their conversation between either of them. Glances around the room were being done every so often, dying for either someone to rescue them, or to spot a familiar face. No such luck for either parties.

"I've been paying attention just fine."

"No, clearly you haven't. I've been calling you the wrong name since I sat in this booth."

"You've only said it a couple times, I just figured they were slip ups."

"Obviously not. I mean come on, I wasn't really expecting you to be sitting here."

"That's kind of the point I suppose."

He started to panic. He was going to have to say something, to someone at some point. Why did it have to be him thrown for this awful curve ball? Sure, he wasn't the only one who was going to suffer through this, but right now... right now, he was screwed.

"Fuck."

"Excuse me?" He scoffed at this.

"You know, I have to say I'm completely shocked."

"Again, kind of the point."

"No, that's not what I mean. Well, actually that too, but it's not what I'm talking about."

"Fill me in."

"I'm shocked you'd think I'd sit here, knowing it was _you_ sitting across from me and carry on a regular conversation like it happens all the time."

"I don't get why you wouldn't? We never had problems between us, Tyler."

"Are you joking?"

"No, actually I am being quite serious. More serious than I have been for awhile."

"Good to know you're happy and not giving a _fuck_ about what's going on around here."

"You know that's not true."

"How would I? How would I know that's not true? You just practically admitted to being completely carefree this whole time. I cannot believe you. You have some guts."

"You would have to have them to live here." was said with a laugh.

"I'm not joking around anymore."

"You know, you were the one person I thought was going to make this easy for me. You've always been on my side."

"No one is on your side anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're a smart one, figure it out."

"Don't be like this, Tyler."

He laughed it off. He couldn't believe the turn this day was taking.

Just a few hours ago, he was laying in bed with his vampire girlfriend, more than happy. He was ecstatic she didn't leave early this morning to occupy Damon. He thought it was a sign for a good day, a good day for all of them, hell, it's been awhile since they've had one true one.

That thought was shot to all hell when he walked in the grill. No, it was still fine in his thoughts then, he just didn't know it yet. He was in the mood to bother Matt at work and grab some lunch. Caroline had left around noon to do something with Bonnie, he had tuned out when she was explaining it all. Girl stuff.

He was pleasantly surprised to find his current predicament there. They hadn't had a chance to talk in awhile and he was starting to miss the strange friendship they'd started. Now, he regretted sitting down at this particular table.

"Now, how have you been?" He just starred for a second.

"I'm not the one you should be asking that question to."

A sharp intake of breath pierced his ears at the unnamed mention.

"I will see him when I'm ready."

"You're obviously ready now or you wouldn't have made the trip, _Elena._" He glared at her for a second before continuing. "You can't sit around town and torture him. He will find out you're here."

"Since when do you care?" She asked with a violent undertone.

"Since I've had to practically scrap him off the ground multiple times. Since I've been dragged out of my house to spend time staring at his living room walls with him. Since him, Matt and I have become very good buddies. Since I can't stand to see him like that anymore."

She looked at him with a shocked expression

"Come on, Elena. Like you didn't know he was going to be like this."

"I didn't." She shrugged and shook her head.

"Bullshit."

"Don't bullshit me, Tyler. I didn't know."

"You, are a _complete bitch._"

"HEY!" She squawked at him. He rolled his eyes.

"The guy was in love with you. In. Love. You knew him better than all of us, you should have known that he didn't take that shit lightly. He wasn't just going to let you run away from him with no reasoning behind it, completely out of the blue. Come on, Elena. If you really thought that... I don't even have a word to call you."

She huffed at him.

"What are you doing here anyways? Why did you come back? We were making progress with him. He was getting better. You're going to fuck everything up."

"I came back. I finished the classes I was taking and decided to come back."

"That doesn't really answer my questions."

"I'm here because this is my home, Tyler. It will always be my home, horrendous break up or not."

He was eying her suspiciously. He didn't believe that she was just done with whatever she had started nine months ago. He didn't think she was stupid enough to just come waltzing back into Mystic like everything was going to be just peachy for her.

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"You know like what, like you don't believe a word I'm saying."

"Why should I? For all we all know, you could have been lying the whole time you and Damon were together."

"I wasn't lying when we were together."

"Mhm." was his only response.

"I'm serious. I loved him. I wasn't lying about that."

"Then why did you leave?"

"That's something for Damon and I to discuss. I'm sure as hell not going to tell you." She retorted, standing up from the booth. "I'm going to go find Jeremy or Jena, they'll be happy I'm here."

"I sincerely doubt that. You've put them through hell too. Jeremy has been scared shitless of Damon since you left. Don't expect a warm welcome home banner."

She rolled her eyes at him while throwing her jacket on. She was halfway to the door when she turned around to say something else. "I read it. That's why I'm here."

He wasn't sure if he was surprised. Before he could say anything else, she had disappeared out the door.

He shook his head, thinking to himself how he was going to bring this up to everyone. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"Hey where'd Katherine run off to so fast?" Matt asked, cleaning off the table behind Tyler, startling him out of his thoughts.

"Funny you should say that..."

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed this switch up mini chapter. I had fun writing it. I wanted her return to be set a little different than the other parts of the story, considering how big of a moment it is. I haven't decided if I'm going to throw anymore third person narratives in for her homecoming yet. I know where the direction of all of this is going, I have chunks of the next three upcoming chapters written down. I just have to piece them together and make them flow, maybe I'll try and squeeze small third person parts in when or if someone runs into her on the street. I haven't decided. The next two chapters are going to be a blast but really difficult for me to write. So stick with me here. The next one should be soon if all this inspiration I keep getting comes just as nicely as this chapters! _

_See you again soon!_


	8. Snow

_A/N: sorry this update took so long, my job is kicking my ass lately. I hope you enjoy what I have for you, the next part should be up quicker. I have so much thought out and typed out already, and their reunion conversation is what I was most looking forward to writing so it should be nothing for me to finish up. Expect it in the next couple weeks, but for now, enjoy this, and don't hate me too much :]_

Just in that split second after I roughly turned my phone off, I thought to myself, maybe Elena and I have been through our three acts. All of our scenes have past, our lines have been read. The 'unexpected' phone call from her was the thing that the audience waits for while watching the movie or the play. The radio above the head, the showing up at the door at one AM wasn't what was written in our not so 'Love Story' love story. Maybe it was just supposed to be a made for TV movie, a short story. The only reason it made it to theaters or became an epic novel was because I've been pining for her for nine months. I never stopped writing. She put her pen down when she started running. The few conversations and stolen glances were just supposed to be footnotes in someone else's story. Random side thoughts. When I was in lust with someone else. I'm starting to think lust is what I have been repeating in my life. Elena was love, a slim file however.

It's funny, you sit on a bench staring at trees for three hours and your mind turns into a mushy cheese factor. Finally taking in my other surroundings, I noticed the park had become a feeding ground, no pun intended, for children.

One little one managed to sneak up next to me and was sort of gawking. My guess was the tot was, well a tot. He had to have been about six or seven. I glanced around the shaded spot we were, looking for an adult that was trying to claim the poor guy.

He looked amused at my clearly flustered appearance. Like I was supposed to know what to do with a child.

What's up little man?" he just shrugged. "How are you?"

"I could be better." He said in a huff.

"Heavy response kid." I said with a chuckle.

"Kennedy." he corrected jutting his hand out to me. I grinned and took it willingly.

"Cute kid. I'm Damon."

"You look like you could use a lollipop, Daaaaamon." He gave me a look of triumph, like he just discovered my biggest secret.

I laughed out a "Something like that."

"Have mine. It's cherry. I don't like cherry, it looks like blood." He stuck his tongue out at the lollipop as if it was going to revolt against him. He snatched the hand I had used to shake his just seconds ago and shoved the sucker in my palm.

"Thanks little man. Cherry's my favorite." He gave me the biggest grin I've ever seen on a small child. "Do your parents know you're hiding over here?"

"I don't know where they're hiding." He shrugged like it wasn't anything new. To say I was confused wouldn't be a lie. "I have no mommy or daddy." He finished for me, smart kid. Apparently he could read the confusion adorning my features.

"Oh, I'm sorry ken." I was sincerely apologetic. I may not know what to do with children, or know how to handle them, or the right words to say when they drop their ice cream cone, but no kid should ever be left alone, ever. Especially at the ripe age of six, or whatever Kennedy's age was.

"I'm not a Barbie, Daaaaamon." He waved his small fists in front of his face like he was trying to show me he wasn't plastic.

"Ah, but the girls like barbies, kiddo!" Figuring that would at least turn our conversation into something I knew what to do with. He grimaced at me.

"Girls have cooties, Daaaaamon. Don't go near them!" His face was very serious. "I had a bad time with one."

"Play date didn't go as planned?" He looked at me like I had six heads.

"She licked me!" He shuddered. "Mr. Kyte told me it was because she liked me. I told him he got his words confused because she didn't like me, she licked me. He laughed at me, I didn't think it was very funny."

"A girl licked me once."

"Really?" His eyes got as huge as saucers. "What did you do?"

"Erm." I didn't fully think this through. A woman had licked me, about 50 years ago, only it was very pleasant. And not the horrible thing Kennedy was trying to portray. I wasn't about to tell his little ears about my rendezvous. "I think I threw dirt at her." I lied to him. "But, I don't really remember." I threw something at her, myself.

He almost fell off the bench he was laughing so hard. "I should have done that to Nina! Why didn't I think of that?"

"I'm not sure, buddy. Promise me, from now on, you'll think fast!" If the kid could walk away from me with something today, I just wanted it to be that.

"I promise." He extended his pinky out at me. "I pinky promise! They are the most important kind." I offered him mine, and he shook our hooked fingers vigorously.

"Where'd you learn pinky promises, Ken? He glared at me, fighting a smile. I could see it.

"Mr. Kyte teaches me a lot of tricks."

"Who is Mr. Kyte?"

"He's the boss man at the house I live in." He picked up a rock from beneath his feet and threw it as hard as I'm assuming he possibly could. He glanced down at his hands and frowned at the mud now present on them. "Yuck." He started rubbing his hands down the front of his pants, with a gleam in his eye. He looked back up at me like he forgot I was there. "Where do you live? Is your house big? My house is big."

"My house is big too. I used to live with a pretty girl."

"Damon! Girls have cooties. You shouldn't live with them!" I was starting to think he was a little boy that Elena would have loved to have as part of her family. His flat out honesty and big brown doe eyes reminded me of her.

"I gave her a cootie shot before she came in the door." He looked pleased and nodded to me.

"Good idea." He quickly looked around and leaned toward me. "That's what I would have done, I should give one to Nina." He whispered as if giving me life's biggest secret.

All of a sudden "KENNEDY GILSON!" was hollered in what sounded like shear panic. Kennedy's form shot up straight and tall, his eyes wide.

"I told you, you should have told someone where you were hiding." I poked his chest, with a slight smirk.

"No one likes a know it all, Daaaaamon!" He stuck his tongue out at me.

A tall, blond, tanned man ran up to our bench at full speed and skidded to a halt right in front of Kennedy's knees. He was gasping for air while eying me suspiciously. Like I was going to haul off and steal the kid.

"I've told you before," He started, still wheezing. "If you're going to hide in the trees, you have to let me know! You almost gave me a heart attack." Kennedy rolled his eyes.

"It's not like you didn't know you were going to find me here." He huffed out. He was starting to sound like my old self. He was growing on me.

The older gentlemen placed his glance back on me, standing up straighter. He stuck his hand out, "Pete Kyte. I run the 'Solid Anchors boy's home."

"Damon Salvatore. I don't run anything." I said, taking his hand and shaking it firmly.

"I appreciate you keeping an eye on our favorite hide and seeker." Pete said while ruffling Kennedy's hair.

"Well, I appreciate Kennedy distracting me from my hectic brain for a few moments." I simply stated back to him, poking Kennedy in the side. He squirmed and giggled.

"Mr. Kyte, Damon's my new best friend." Uh oh. Pete shot me a short worried look.

"Is that so?" Kennedy nodded. "Well, maybe you'll see him soon?"

"I hope so." He said, hopping down off the bench. He raised his open hand to me. "High five old man!"

"Oh, you wound me, little one." I high five-d him. He gave me a sinister smirk and shot his tiny fist in my stomach. "Dirty pool, Ken."

"You too, Daaaaamon. ...I don't even know what that means." He narrowed his eyes and shrugged. "See you soon!" He yelled at he sort of skip jogged away. Pete was still standing over me, still wearing the worried look he gave me earlier.

"Erm. I don't normally do this, but because I've never seen him talk to or act with anyone like he did just now with you, and he's an astounding six year old." Finally, confirmation! "Our house is the next town over, so we only get to come to this park once a week. Every Saturday, around noon. I'm sure Kennedy would love if you showed a few more times."

I glanced behind me, searching for the little man who so nicely took my mind off of everything for the short few moments we had spoken, my eyes landing on him standing by himself beside a big dark green SUV. I nodded to Pete. "I'm sure I could break away from my life Saturday afternoons, I haven't got much going on in the first place."

"Great! Thank you!" He practically yelled at me while running off to catch up to the little rascal that was Kennedy. Sneaky little thing he was.

I checked my phone for the time, I was supposed to be meeting little Steffie at The Grill around one-thirty. It was now one o clock, I had more than enough time to meander to lunch. I was already dreading the idea of sitting down with him, I was even more not looking forward to it when he _finally _mentioned he had something he wanted to tell me. Yippee. I cannot wait.

Groaning I finally pulled myself off of the bench just as it started to lightly snow. ...snow in Virginia? Really. I was taking this as a sign. Nothing good ever happens in the snow for me. Especially when it's months early! Now I was going to be on edge for the rest of the day, that's going to make for a great frigging' time with Stefan at lunch.

Cursing myself for not wearing the sweatshirt I was arguing with myself over this morning, I made my way to The Grill. Better to be earlier than Stefan than to have him lecture me on my wonderful timing.

I hadn't been paying much attention to the town lately. Being cooped up, and then dragged around at the speed of light doesn't give me much change to notice things. I was looking around the "square" seeing it was cheesily decorated. Burnt oranges, dark browns, and forest greens dawned every surface that something could be stapled to. What the hell was going on? I was here this time of year last year and it never looked like this. It never made me want to vomit.

I walked around the gazebo to see a huge ass wooden sign hammered in the grass in front of it. How I missed this in the days before I will never know. _First Annual Mystic Falls Fall Festival. September 15. _How sweet. How pleasant. How...nauseating.

I was more than thankful to be away from the disgusting display of fall nuptials and into the warmth The Grill. I couldn't spot Stefan anywhere, although I was a good ten minutes early. He's always twenty minutes early for everything. It's annoying. I picked out a solid booth in the back corner, hidden just enough, yet you could see everything. Best booth in the joint. And I waited. Impatiently might I add. I had to decline the waitress a good ten times, had knocked back five scotch on the rocks, and check out and listened too countless conversations waiting for him. It was unlike him to be late, even by thirty seconds.

An hour, I'm not kidding, an hour later, he graced me with his presence. I graced him with sarcasm. He deserved it.

"You. Are. Late." He glared at me. Not fitting on his face.

"Don't start with me." He spat out.

"Bad day, Darling?" I threw back with a smirk.

"Damon, I said don't start."

"I didn't start anything. Thank you." He rolled his eyes. "So, what's with this little meeting. You sounded...like something, I don't know, on the phone." He sounded weird, straight up odd. That's why I was here, pretty much the only reason. My curiosity got the best of me.

"I have something I need to tell you."

"Yeah, I got that when you called me and told me to meet you here today and said _'I have something I need to tell you.'_" I was beginning to be annoyed.

"Don't get smart." I opened my mouth to respond but he beat me to it. "I'm nervous of your reaction that's all."

"Welp, you've got me hooked now, so tell." I was letting the annoyance lace my voice.

"I asked Katherine to marry me." I almost spit out my water.

"You're going soft." It was all I could think to say.

"Pot calling the kettle black,"

"Excuse me...?"

"You. Are. Going. Soft." He slowed it down for me like it was going to make it better.

"No..."

"Yes," He interrupted me. "Gal pal days with Caroline and Lex?"

"Dragged against my will."

"Heart to hearts with Alaric,"

"Cornered."

"Sappy blogs."

"Not my idea."

"You have an answer for everything don't you?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"Have you never met me? Seriously Stef, come on." I said with a smirk.

"This isn't going the way I thought." He mumbled.

"No? How'd you imagine it? Did you think I'd throw things, throw a tantrum, storm out? Say how it should be me? None of that's going to happen. It shouldn't be me. I'm over one hundred years old, that's too old for me to throw a fit. You're safe."

"You have nothing to say about it? Just 'you're going soft'?"

"No. I have things to say, but you would start yelling, saying how it's only because I'm jealous, which I'm not, and it's only because she left me, and I'm beginning cynical. Which I am. So no, I don't have anything to say right now. This very second. Nothing at all."

"Well, you're okay with it?" He stuttered out.

"What if I wasn't, Stef? What if I said NO! It's not like you need my permission. I'm not your father."

"I know that, but I'd like a blessing at least."

"Welp, you got it then. That's all I can do."

"I guess I appreciate it. For now." He tried to slip that one passed me. No dice, little brother, no dice.

"Forever. For always. No for nows." I said sternly, rising from my seat at the booth, I wanted out. I wanted out now. "I'm going to leave now. Before the snow kills me. HA, good joke." I said that the snow was a sign, I take it this is what it was trying to warn me about.

"Wait," He called after me, I stopped and slowly turned on my heels. "We're coming over later tonight."

"Who is we?" I didn't really want to be around the happy couple. I probably would take her head off.

"Everybody. Tyler's idea. We've got something you need to know about."

"Oh, fantastic. More mystery news. Just what I need in my life. Goodbye Stefan."

"Eight o'clock Damon."

"Yeah, great, whatever." I take back what I said, I was going to take _his _head off.

Four hours later, I found myself wandering. I had no clue where I was, it was like I got here in a fog. Marriage. Stefan was getting married. For the rest of forever. He was going to be attached to that, for the rest of eternity.

I'm not jealous, marriage isn't me. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous.

Okay. I'm jealous. When I was a human, it was all I wanted. The perfect life. Marriage, children, a happy wife, a big house, the whole shebang. Katherine ruined that for me. Katherine is now ruining this for me. Married, TO MY BROTHER. Good lord. What's next? Adoptive children turned vampires? Jeremy's going to be mayor? Caroline president?

Find me a stake, and end it now. Things were not looking good.

_MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE. VAMPIRE MARRIAGE. _

Alright, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out like a fucking chick. Goddamn it. She really fucked with my head didn't she. Before all of that, I would have told Stefan good luck, good luck being married to six different people in one, good luck not trying to kill himself before she made it down the isle, good luck.

Now I need the luck. Good luck _I_ don't try to end it before she makes it down the isle. Fuck.

I had to get out of where ever I was. Somewhere. Wilderness. That's all I've got. I needed to be back home before eight, to keep up appearances, that I'm _not_ freaking out. That's where the luck comes in. Good luck Damon, good luck keeping it together, when it was already hanging by a thread.

I was going to get lost on the way back, I knew it. Because I didn't know where I was to begin with. Screwed, I am screwed.

An hour passed and I finally spotted a familiar landmark, about forty five minutes out of town. Just in time. Screaming at the tree tops must have done something for my karma, or god was just taking pity on me. I chose to follow a twisty turning road home, in hopes of making my trek shorter. Unfortunately, even though it shaved a good fifteen minutes off of my run, I arrived home to cars parked outside my house. _Shit. Shit. Shit. So much for appearances. _

I slyly walked through my front door, hopefully playing up the fact that I was fine, and I was just gallivanting somewhere. Which I was, I noticed now I smelled like pine. Great, Christmas tree cologne. Fantastic.

"Where'd you go?" Caroline piped up.

"Around." _wonderful Damon, lame attempt at a cover up._

"Sounds interesting." Matt mumbled. "Next time take me, god knows I need to breathe too." _wonderful, nice try taking the heat off of me._

"We have something to tell you."

"Theme of the day, Tyler. Be a little more original next time."

"Don't be an ass," He started in on me.

"When am I not?" I interrupted.

"He has a point." Bonnie threw in. Great is this gang up on Damon day?

I looked around the room. We were missing someone.

"Where's the future Mrs. Salvatore? She's missing from our group meeting."

As if on cue, quietly entered the room. so unlike her. She took a good look around the room as if she had never seen it, shock filled her features when she noticed the amount of people sitting in my living room. Did she not know they were ambushing me tonight?

"Hey..." She said softly. Again so unlike her.

Confusion set in in the features on Stefan's face. He had turned to see our new arrival, stopping mid motion getting off the couch.

I took in his confusion and her appearance. She looked different. Softer. So un-Katherine like. Her long chocolate hair that had grown to the middle of her back was cropped short, ending just below her jaw line.

There was a ripple of shock on Caroline's face and a barely audible gasp from between Bonnie's barely parted lips.

"Elena.." The name slip so simply and softly through Matt's clenched teeth.

A loud crash was the next thing I heard. Bringing me out of my frozen state. I quickly looked around the room to see who cause it, looking down at the floor

I noticed it was me, my glass of scotch broken, spilling and sticking it's contents on my bare feet. Wonderful.

The snow was a sign, I said it twice before, I'll say it a third time. It was a fucking sign.

"EVERYBODY OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!" I couldn't take this. No. not to today, not happening.

To my surprise, every single one of them started to speed out with no questions asked and no refusals.

"Not you," I pointed at Elena, we were going to have this out, I was going to use my marriage, snow fury tonight. She deserved it. "You sit down."

She softly nodded her head, twisting her fingers together and biting on the inside of her cheek. Things she only did when she was nervous. Good.

"Why am I looking at you now, after all of this time?"

"I thought we needed to clear the air, and I wanted to see you."


	9. Promise

_A/N: this chapter is what you've been waiting for! The reunion! The reasons why she left. I'm sorry it took so long to be posted. It's a very conversational chapter. Not too much narration, and there's quite a bit of speech in the middle. I hope that it at least scratches the surface of the Elena leaving issue. Actually, I hope and know it does a little more than that. It's probably going to be a little confusing, but the story is **not** over yet! So any confusion you may have, I will clear it up. I promise. Review with questions in the meantime, and I will get the next chapter up as soon as I can. _

She sits on my couch like it's the most natural thing ever. A few months ago, it might have been, but now just the vision makes me uncomfortable. She's staring at me, I'm glaring back.

"We need to clear the air." She starts.

"No, my air is pretty clear. Thanks for the offer."

"Don't be like that." She snaps.

"Like what? Like you left and I'm barely together anymore? Because that's what it is and it's all I know now to be." I'm not sure I meant to reveal myself this soon, but it was out there before I could grab a hold of what I was saying.

"That's not fair." She says in a very mousy voice.

"Leaving, leaving with no warning what so ever is what isn't fair. Don't give me a lesson on fair." I can't hold my anger in anymore.

"I'm trying to explain myself."

"Maybe, just maybe, I don't want you to." I mumble cowardly.

"I read your blog," She starts in, like she's got some big gold medal of knowledge with that one. "I _know_ you want me to."

"I'm not stopping you." I glance at the leather chair next to the couch, if I sat next to her, I'd strangle her.

"Yes, you kind of are." I glare at her. "Okay. Sit down." I flop down loudly in the chair as if it was the worst idea ever.

"Where did you go?" The question is out the same time she opens her mouth, she looks a little shocked, as if it were her voice sounding like mine. She sucks in a mild breath, annoyed with me. I'm not letting her explain herself. I know it, she knows it.

"Washington." She states simply. I can feel a question and answer period coming before I get any real answers.

"Why?"

She has a look on her face as if the reason is the most obvious in the world. "It's the farthest place to go away without needing a passport." She says, while fiddling with her fingers. _Great._

"Why, Elena?" Apparently the only thing I can say is _why_.

"You'd find me, that's why. Did you even try?" _Are you fucking kidding me?_

"YES. I went _**everywhere**_ I could think of. Clearly, the white house wasn't on my list of _where Elena could be_ possibilities."

"That was the point." She sounds a little annoyed.

"This isn't how this was supposed to go." I'm starting to get annoyed myself.

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't telling me anything." I threw my hands up in the air, and roll my eyes a little. It's my fault I suppose. I had to ask the questions.

"I ran because I was scared of how I felt for you." She doesn't even look at me when she says this.

"That doesn't even make any sense." I stated simply. She sighed loudly and I swear I saw an eye roll.

"I freaked out. Everything happened so fast that I didn't know what to do, and I didn't take into consideration how you felt about things. Does that make it better?" She started to sound irritated. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't I be the one who is annoyed with her. She left me for crying out loud.

"No you didn't. And no it doesn't. It's not going to '_make it better_.' You left. You. Left. What are you not getting about this?"

"Don't you think I wish I could've stayed?" She asked rubbing her nose with the back of her hand.

"You can't seriously be asking me that question." My thumb nails were digging into the area around my kneecaps. I wished I hadn't broken my glass. If I left to go to the kitchen, she might disappear, or I might find that I was dreaming just like when I was waiting for Caroline. I didn't want either to happen. So I was stuck. I didn't want that either.

"I am asking. I am asking you this question. Something was wrong with me. The idea of becoming Katherine. The thought of seeing the two of them around hanging on each other for the rest of my days."

"I finally get it. Why didn't I understand before. This is about Stefan. It's always about Stefan. '_It's always going to be Stefan._' Why can't I get that through my thick skull. The only two times I gave my heart away, it was torn to pieces because it just Stefan. Always just Steffie."

"Stop. Shut. Up." She pounded her fist on the coffee table in front of her, causing the few wine glasses from my earlier company and the vase that Lexie had put up in a sheer attempt to decorate vibrate and clatter. Her face was redder than a tomato. She had never looked so much like Katherine before in her life. "I chose you. Don't you get it. I chose you."

"You _ran_ from me. You didn't choose me. You _ran_ from me."

"I couldn't do it."

"That's such a nice thing to hear." I rolled my eyes at her.

"Will you please just shut up. For once."

"No."

"Damon." My name on her tongue rang too sweetly in my ears. "Please."

The memory in the tomb flashed before my eyes. I shuddered. "Just listen. Let me lay it out. All out on the line. Give me five minutes of silence." Her eyes were doe like and pleading. One of the looks that always made me cave, and she knew it.

"Fine." I said with as much anger as I could muster.

"Thank you." She took a very long deep breath and rubbed her palms against her jeans. I could see her shiver. And it wasn't from the cold. I swear she stared at me for about two years before she even opened her mouth.

"Okay." Another breath. "Here goes nothing. You can't imagine what it felt like to hear about Stefan and Katherine." I groaned. Stefan _again_. She put her hand up as in front of my face as she could get sitting half way across the room. Another sign for me to shut it.

"I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. It's not Stefan again." She was scaring me how much she could still read me. "Just hear me out. I was fighting everything with him before it happened. I could only guess that I drove him to do it. We were fighting about almost everything. He didn't like what our friendship was turning into. He kept telling me that you weren't someone I needed to be around and I would yell at him, telling him how he didn't give you enough credit, and you were a better man than that. I've been fighting for you from what seems like the first day we met in the foyer.

He pushed and pushed at me. He was turning into something I couldn't recognize anymore. Something demonic. Something so unlike the Stefan I knew and the Stefan Katherine painted him to be. And yet I still loved him. It was so ridiculous of me. The naivety of the situation and what he was turning me into made me nauseous. I couldn't believe it. It was so the opposite of the Elena I was brought up to be. The one my mother taught me was right, the one Jena proved was the best path, the one Jeremy leaned on, and the one Bonnie, Caroline, and Lexie kept as a friend. I hadn't realized how much time I spent wasting attached to Stefan's hip, and away from the life I knew. He was changing while I was changing. I think he was getting more comfortable in his own skin around me, thinking he could do no wrong, that I wouldn't leave him because I looked at him through rose colored glasses. The more he changed, the more I started to look at you. It felt wrong at first, then it started to feel like home. Being around you, Erm. Being around you was something I was supposed to be doing. It didn't feel like you cared what I was like, who I was, just as long as I was around. I could feel that you cared. It sounds weird but it's unbelievably true.

You were becoming my best friend. Something I would have never guessed. So when you told me about the two of them, I couldn't decide if I had felt relieved or betrayed. I think it was a bit of both. I knew you had to be the one to tell me. if I heard it from someone else, I think I wouldn't have believed them, thinking they were trying to get me to come around more often. But it was from your mouth, although it sounded foreign in general, I could only feel that you weren't making it up, because you already had enough of me in your life, what more could you want? And that's when something snapped in my brain. I couldn't move. I didn't want to go outside, I didn't want the people around town to look at me strange. I knew they would. You were there. I should have known you would be there. Pulling me out of bed, making me go places, making me eat, shower and change clothes. Doing everything you did. I never told you, but I've never been more grateful to have someone in my life than I had in that moment. I've never looked at someone with such pride before. You were incredibly intimate with the situation, but it was lost on me. all I could focus on was how much of a fool I was. How stupid I could be to be cheated on. I knew Katherine was a threat. I just didn't think she was that kind of threat.

The relationship I had with Stefan was unlike anything I've ever experienced. My one date with Tyler was forged and awkward. We knew we were good friends and that's all it was ever going to be, but our parents had other thoughts. We had dinner to shut them up, then we both told them how awful it was. Matt... Matt was the definition of innocence. He just sort of fell into my lap. I don't know how it happened. but, eventually it was too much like mine and Jeremy's relationship to be anything more. It was also a mutual end. But this thing with Stef, this ragged, choppy, tidal wave of a a thing. It was destroying me. I believed I loved him. I also believed I loved Matt. The whole thought of it now is like swallowing paint thinner. Such a strange comparison. I was kidding myself believing I was in love with either one of them. I didn't know what love was until it felt like a giant brick wall fell on me. It snuck up on me one day. I couldn't imagine that it was happening. It was like nothing that's ever happened in my life. And you know, nothing should surprise me anymore, what with you two Salvatores in my life now a days, there's nothing shocking.

But this was probably the last shocking act in my life. It was probably about three weeks after the incident. You had dragged me out of bed with a promise of a new book, something you knew I couldn't pass up. The first time you were going to successfully get me out of the house. You had shoved me into the scalding hot shower, thank you by the way it burned my skin, I was still in my pajamas. I think it was the David Bowie extra large t-shirt with about a bazillion sequins you bought me for a laugh three days after you broke Stefan's nose for me. And my awesome, and I mean awesome, pig pants Jena made me for Christmas one year. They were sopping wet, and very heavy, but I didn't want to take them off. You were sitting on the counter, I could hear you swinging your feet, your heels tapping the cupboard below you. You were telling me joke after joke, singing songs, telling me how Jeremy was mumbling Bonnie's name in her sleep and Alaric was having Ben and jerry's for breakfast downstairs. I was laughing, and the water was getting bearable.

I know you remember this day. I peeled my shirt off, I had never felt a piece of clothing be so heavy before. I know you remember this day because of what happened next, the image has to be burned clearly in your memory. ... I ripped the shower curtain open, stood there before anything happened and stared at you, half naked. Baring it all, no pun intended. Your mouth had gaped open, and you almost slipped off the counter; and that was when i threw my shirt at you, it was a hard enough throw and a heavy enough shirt, and a big enough surprise to throw your head back into the mirror. It cracked a little but nothing worth getting worked up over. You jumped off the counter and were standing under the water spray before I could blink my eyes. You were wearing your usual smirk, your boots were making my bathtub black with mud. You just stood there, doing nothing but staring in my eyes. It was too intense for me. I turned to grab the shampoo to actually start my shower, pretending I didn't even notice you were still in it. That's when you saw the ugly bite mark he left. The scar of it, really, by that point. It happened when I confronted him. I forgot it was there until your fingers were running over it and all you said was 'oh Elena...' and sighed. When I turned to look at you, you'll deny this, but you had tears in your eyes. Somehow they made your eyes look a little green. Like sea glass. I always knew you were beautiful. But that solidified it for me. Next thing I knew your hands were resting at the base of my neck and on my jaw line. I was about ready to protest when you kissed me. Our first kiss. That's when I knew. Just one kiss was different from everything that had ever happened to me. That's when I knew I loved you. when I was coming to the realization you were pulling away and stepping out of the shower. You pulled the curtain closed. I was shocked. I don't know if it was because you kissed me, because I knew I loved you right then, or because you left the bathtub. I thought you were going to leave altogether, and that scared me. I was shaking with fear until I heard you softly take your place on the counter again, apologizing for your behavior with the most respect I've ever heard in your voice. _'I shouldn't have done that' _you said.

You should have. You did. I'm glad you did. I never told you that, all I said was '_It's alright. Don't worry.' _No help from me whatsoever. I didn't know how to react, I couldn't react. I didn't know what was running through your head. That's what scared me the most. You were a bit different after that for a couple days, you were scaring me. So unlike the Damon that was around me all the time, unlike the Damon that had come to town to ruin his brother's life, unlike the Damon I had fallen in love with. I started to talk to Jena about Washington after that. She twenty questioned me about you. Things were strange and awkward between you and I, you'd come over and take me out on dates, we'd laugh and have fun. I practically moved into your house. my books are still hiding in places around it. It was the best few months of my life before I left. but you were still different. I think you were fighting your feelings for me. I could be wrong. So, Jena and I took Washington State up on it's offer to accept me for classes. We signed up, picked a dorm room and a date for me to leave all in a few hours. She never once asked me if I was sure, I don't think I knew if I was myself. but I was feeling so much that I had not once before felt for me, it was all so fast. And I was unsure about your feelings in return. I know, I know we could have sat down and talked about it, but I couldn't. Conversations change things. It's a really flimsy and an extremely weak excuse, but it is also the most difficult thing I've ever had to explain. Part of me, I think, just thought you'd go on forever. Just like before. Just like before the shower. Just like before I knew I loved you." She stopped talking, the silence ringing odd in my ears like I hadn't heard white noise in years.

"Do remember how I was before?" Was all I could say back to her. She only nodded her head. Her silence still foreign to me. She started chewing on her bottom lip. All my smugness about her nervous ticks, gone. Things had changed for me after her speech. Somehow, she brought me right back to it. Tight back to loving her, forgetting about hating her. "Can I talk now?"

"I've been waiting to hear this." She gulped loudly.

"No matter how good they are, some memories need to be forgotten. Yet, when you left, all you left me were memories. I couldn't forget. You read what I was thinking. I kept your things around just to smell you. You took me for granted, I did everything for you, and you left. You tell me you loved me. I have the hardest time believing that. It doesn't sound right in my ears. You have to be surgically removed from a man who viciously bit you, leaving a large white glistening scar on your back, and cheated on you. But you freely vanish before my eyes, apparently, the only one who ever did anything for you. The only one you ever really loved? Can you see how much that doesn't make sense to me? Something is not right here Elena."

"I know. I realize it's strange. I told you it's hard to explain."

"I looked for you, long and hard. I searched everywhere. When I couldn't find you, you could find me here, sitting around like a zombie. I'm so sorry for needing you. I'm so sorry that I love you." Her eyes got wide, and glistened with what I thought looked like excitement. I just realized I never said it to her ever, and I didn't use past tense when I just said it. "I chased you around like a straight up fool. Like there was something there for me still."

"For what it's worth-" I cut her off.

"What Elena? What could it possibly be worth now? Especially coming from you. How strong do you think I am?"

"I didn't travel this far to watch it all fall apart." I could hear the tremble and threat of tears in her voice.

"You left something undone. It wasn't going to stay together while you were running. It fell apart while you weren't looking."

"Aren't you worried about me? Don't you think there's something wrong?" She stuttered out.

"I'm always worried about you. I will always be worried about you. In or out of my life. And I know there's something wrong. Don't you think there's something wrong with me? I kept on loving you. Loving someone who isn't around is the most painful thing someone can do. I've done it twice. The first was just a joke. I understand what you mean when you say I didn't know love until I knew you, but that doesn't mean I understand why you left. but I guess I get it."

"You're coming around, I can see it in your eyes." It disgusted me how well she could still read me. "pPease, Don't leave me now."

"You already left me, Elena. There's nothing and no one to leave anymore." This was getting silly. That was pretty much all I could think. Wasn't this what I wanted? I wanted her to come crawling back to me, to be back in my life, to hear that she loved me, and she still did. But here I was, fighting with her, telling her I didn't want her here and things weren't going to work. "You made up your mind to leave it all behind. You left _me_ behind. That's not love."

"You know coming here, during the train ride down, during the walk to The Grill, during the conversation with Tyler, during the walk over here to find everyone here. I thought to myself, the truth is the worst possible thing I could do. I don't know why, until this moment in time, I never realized that I had already done the worst possible thing I could have ever done. Leaving you. Leaving you was the worst mistake I've ever made. Sure, it brought me to a new life, made me the real Elena again. I met Liv and Cade. People who didn't know what happened in Mystic Falls. People who still believed vampires weren't real and only belonged in Buffy and Twilight. People who showed me what my life was supposed to be like. Un-supernatural. No werewolves that I had first dated. No vampires that I was in love with. No demented dopple-gangers. I know that it was horrible. I don't know what you were like when I was gone. I got some idea from your intensely romantic blog. So sickeningly unlike you. I can't believe I did that to you. If I was wrong, coming back, then I'm so sorry. But I think you should forgive me, babe" She says while giving me her doe eyes.

My non existent pulse studdered. I can't believe she was pet naming me again. She was the only one ever who made it sound so sweet on her tongue. The only one I've ever wanted to call me by a pet name. Babe, was always the one she chose. It flicked off her tongue this time like she had been doing it for years.

"Forgive I do plenty, I forgave you the second you walked out the door," I quivered in a breath. this sentence could be the hardest I have had to muster up in a long time. "... The second I woke up to a cold bed, an empty closet, and a torn apart study."

"I just wish... I wish you would forget the details." She muttered under her breath.

My brain burst. I had to take four deep breaths before I could speak again.

"I never forget. I will never forget." I tore my eyes away from her, I couldn't look at her as all of my words poured out of my mouth. "I won't forget the way you left. I won't forget that it took three days to get your smell out of everything in this house, so my mouth didn't water and I didn't want to com bust every time I took a breath. I won't forget the days I boxed up everything you forgot to pack. I can't forget that I couldn't throw them away, just because I had to have something of you somewhere because my shattered heart couldn't hold you anymore. I'll never forget that I wasn't good enough for a goodbye. I especially won't forget that love doesn't exist in my life anymore. It's hopeless, for me to forget, there's no one here for me. I can't forget that that's all of your fault." I was fighting the urge to glance at her, because I knew if I did, she'd crush me, and I wouldn't be able to finish. and I HAD to finish, she had to know. "... That the way I feel, who I am, and what's going on now, is all your fault."

It was silent. I could hear a tree branch scraping an upstairs window. It seemed to drag on for years. I was still staring at my feet, fearing if I looked at her, I'd take it all back, and I couldn't, I wouldn't. I heard her suck in a shaky breath.

"I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart." Was all she said to me. Urging me to look at her.

"That's not a choice you have anymore, Elena." I griped. Finally looking into her chocolate eyes. I took a full deep breath and held it in before I continued. "You surrendered your choices when you left."

" '_Where in his wasted heart will beat for hers always.'_" She hummed to herself. I wasn't going to ask, I didn't want to know.

"I'm curious about something though. while we're in an argument lull." She cracked her left hand's knuckles and nodded to me, as if saying to proceed. "Have you had your hands on anyone since you left?" I had to know if she had been with anyone. It was going to speak volumes to me.

"I had advances made on me. I was surrounded by couples. Couples who pressured me to get in the game, much like I assume you did here. But just the thought of having someone else's hands or lips or even eyes on me, or my name on someone else's tongue made me sick to my stomach. I tried hard not to think of you. I also made sure no one set me up, no one tried to make me a couple with someone else. It felt wrong. It felt like, even though I left you, that I was cheating on you. The night I read your blog, one of the guys from my English class, Kaleb, came on to me. Put his hands on me, the whole act made me think of you. Then I read your heart on-line. It was then I realized, no matter what, even if you didn't want me in your life anymore. For me, it was always going to be you. I was always going to choose you. Even if you chose someone else, my choice was permanently made for me that day with the David Bowie shirt."

"I told you once, and I'll tell you again." My heart was erupting with the knowledge of her thinking I could possibly chose someone other than her. "I will always choose you." Her face lit up. I stood up. I needed a drink and I was going to take it straight from the bottle. Fuck glasses. I lifted it in her direction. "Here's to you though, for leaving me behind." She sighed lightly. "To be honest, Elena. I don't know what or how to feel right now."

"I understand. If you ever forgive me, send me a sign." Her nails raked her jean clad thighs before she lifted one of her hands to run it through her short hair. "I'm here telling you I need you again in my life. That I'm in love with you. but to you right now, maybe I have no heart."

"You have a heart to me, I just don't know where it is, or where it was."

"All I have is you, Damon. I need you to know that." She clicked her tongue and looked out the the window. away from me.

"You took me for granted and practically told me it was over without any verbal signs. It hurts to know you were okay through it all. You were living. I was dying."

"That's a classic mix up. An honest mistake. My alarms are going off. You think I'm lying. I'm not lying. I was a facade up there. No one knew anything about what I left behind. It hurt to talk about it. I need you to believe me. I need you to know I love you, and I want to try again. I need to you know that I _promise_ that it's never going to happen again. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't live without you. I can't be without you. I know it's the same thing for you. I do know that."

"It is the same for me. As hard as it is for me to admit it, and as much as I don't want you to know that I'm weak without you. I guess you already knew. You were never too slow to take advantage of my broken heart though. And here you are, not letting that theory go down the drain."

She stood up from the couch. I knew she was going to leave. before she faced the front door she took a few steps toward me. I backed toward the kitchen, my back was going to hit the dining room table I knew it. If she touched me I was going to falter. I was going to lose all of my strength. I placed my hands flat on the table behind me once my back touched it. I could smell her scent. It had changed. It was chocolate and strawberries and something else I couldn't remember. She smelled like coconut, sandy beaches, and a barber shop. I knew the cut of her hair was fresh, I didn't guess it was right before she got here.

"I feel like maybe I'm done here." I cocked my head at her statement. Confusion coursed through me. "For now." She placed one of her hands on my chest. The other at the base of my neck. She just stared. I could feel the familiar electricity running through me at her touch. I knew this was going to happen. My gaze flicked to the kitchen and back at her, she moved the hand that was on my chest to my jaw line. Our roles were switched, we were mirroring the day she told me she knew she loved me only it was backwards.

Her lips never touched mine. She was waiting for me to make the move. She had done what she thought would make me give in. But my heart already caved just looking at her. Yet, I wasn't going to take that bound. Not yet.

"Will you stay if I let you go?" This time the confusion was on her face. "Don't run. I'm letting you go. Letting you be alone. Just please don't leave."

"I don't get it." She placed her forehead on my chest and took a deep breath. "You smell the same."

"I wasn't the one who changed. Don't change the subject. Please. Not this time. I need to hear it. Promise me. You won't leave. _Promise me._"

"I could never leave you again if I tried. I don't want to. I'm here. For always. To stay." She dropped her hands, realizing things weren't going to advance. She turned and headed for the door. I just stared back at her. Watching her go. Her hand hovered over the doorknob. No movement came from either one of us. I could see her close her eyes, and watched her turned her head. "_I promise you_." was all she said. She still didn't move.

"I love you." Was all I could think to say in return.

"Don't let me leave then, Damon." She told the front door, her hand still hovering over the knob.

"I love you." I repeated. It was all I could say to her.

"Tell me not to go, tell me you need me just as much as I need you. Make me stay. Have me show you how much I can't leave ever again." She was still saying all of this to the door.

"I love you." I tasted the salt on my lips. Where did these tears come from? What was going on with us right now? I didn't want her to leave but I couldn't bring myself to say anything other that _I love you_ to her right now.

"Damon, please."

"I can't." The phrase tasted sour on my tongue. "I can't"

Her hand finally found the doorknob and with a heavy heave got it open. Before I knew what I was doing and she realized what was going on I was standing in front of her. My hands found the places they belonged on her body.

"You didn't give me the time to say it. I can't..." I sucked in a breath, smelling her new beach like scent, and the wet pavement from the snow. "I can't watch you leave me again. It feels to familiar. Too painful. Stay. _Stay please._" I faltered. I knew it was going to happen, I didn't think I was going to let it happen again so fast. Yet, watching her leave my house was doing something to me I couldn't explain. It felt like I was being set on fire from the inside out. "I just can't"

"Then don't. _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._"

"I can't believe you. Just don't leave here right now, stay with me."

"Okay..."


End file.
